Relationship advice (sex, sharing etc.) possibly nsfw

[LongDistanceGuy]

I'm a student from England who has girlfriend (also English). We've been together for about 3 years now and we both feel the relationship will last many more.

The problem I have is that she is not a student in St Andrews (she didn't want to go to uni and took a job in a shop instead). Before anyone starts this isn't a post about me wanting sex while I'm at uni! It's more a post about both of us and trying to figure out some desires I've felt for her while I've been away...

Obviously being long distance while I'm in St Andrews means that neither of us are able to enjoy sex with each other the way we do when we are together. We have a good sex life and aren't shy about it at all (although this is something I don't really feel I can discuss with her so easily, hence I'm posting here).When I'm in St Andrews we have good phone sex. It's obviously not the same but it keeps us going until we see each other.


The problem I have is that more and more when I'm away I'm getting off thinking about her doing things with other guys. I'm sure it's something that a lot of guys think about from time to time but this is becoming a major turn on for me and I'm not sure how to discuss it with her properly (don't want her to run a mile). It is a real turn on for me and I even enjoy thinking about it when we are together.

I think part of it is possibly down to the porn I watch/read when away from her (I tend to imagine its her I'm watching or reading about). I visit a lot of sites like YouJizz or YouPorn/RedTube etc. and obviously a lot of the videos involve more than one guy with a girl. One of the sites I really enjoy for stories is SwingingHeaven.co.uk as the stories are obviously centred on this theme. But to some degree I've always thought about these things, even before we got together.

I've never really brought it up with her head on. We both enjoy dirty talk during sex and I've led the talk in this direction before and know that at least during sex it turns her on. There has in the past been a guy or two at her work which I know she's been attracted to physically (we're quite open about discussing stuff like that) and that was a major turn on for me. I used to fantasize a lot about her 'working late' or when one of them would give her a lift home on occasion about her giving him a 'thank you' blow job. I've even managed to include that kind of talk into talk during sex and it has gotten her really horny. But it's clear that she doesn't know that I really get off on it. And for the record I trust her completely and know if anything ever had happened she would have told me about it.



My problem is that I'm not sure exactly how I feel about all this. It really turns me on thinking about it and during sex when I've "dirty talked" about it the sex has gotten really horny. But I don't know if it came down to it what I would really feel afterwards. Also, a lot of what I enjoy is the idea of watching or taking part. Usually if we're dirty talking I would bring up the whole "2 guys at once" thing. Although with me she is 100% comfortable I think she wouldn't feel comfortable doing this with me and someone else. She would probably want to try it with someone else on her own and I don't know how I feel about that either.

For the record this isn't about me then wanting to be able to "try it out" with other women either. I've never really fantasized about that as much (although I do enjoy the thought of it as well). It's something I would enjoy in the same way as seeing her/being with her with another guy but only if it's something she was into...

I guess part of the whole thing is the idea of my girlfriend acting "like a slut". I think that's what guys love so much about "the money shot" in porn etc. It's being able to think of your girlfriend who you really care about in a purely sexual lustful.



I don't really know what I'm asking here, how best to talk about it with her? Anyone have similar feelings? Anyone ever acted on them? Anyone of the opposite sex had similar feelings and not known how to talk to their boyfriend about it?

General advice?

I'm posting here because I don't feel comfortable talking to her without thinking about it some more first to find out what I really want and because I know she doesn't read The Sinner.

Any advice is appreciated.

[Guest]

From what I'm aware, alot of long-distance couples have similar problems. And it is, as you say, less about wanting to spread your seed more liberally while apart and more about the concern that your partner is suffering those exact temptations. Remember, though, that it is two-way - she could just as easily be worried how your sexual desire is affected from such a distance.

Obvious point to make would be to be open about your concerns. From what i've just read, you can probably very easily convey what you have done already to her. Scary prospect, I can imagine, but if you're honest then there shouldn't be much of a problem.

That's not to say that you should just blindly enter with the "I love you, but is it ok to have sex with other people while we're not together?" line (or, y'know, something similar). Not only that, but it might even seem like it's a good idea once you're both talked into it, but thinking about your girlfriend with other guys and actually KNOWING about it are two different things. I don't think you'd be as turned on if you knew, not to mention that you might get very jealous. But if making your relationship less exclusive where sex is concerned turns out to be something you could manage, you would likely need to be entirely open about it with her and she with you.

However, if the prospect of talking about it so formally scares you enough, you could start by building upon what you already act up during sex. Possibly even act upon it - if you've once talked about other men that turns her on, would it then make you more open to the idea of a threesome? It seems like silly logic but "it's ok, 'cause I was there when it happened" might ease that discomfort slightly. The problem there, of course, is a question of whether or not you and your girlfriend are both up for it, and if you can find someone else who you'd feel happy enough getting involved, not to mention that it adds another 'dimension' to the relationship - especially if it becomes a regular thing.
My point here is: it could work rather well, but the end result might just be more difficult than it is now.

[DACrowe]

Not only that, but it might even seem like it's a good idea once you're both talked into it, but thinking about your girlfriend with other guys and actually KNOWING about it are two different things.

Worth keeping this in mind, methinks. A close analogue might be the following; many women have rape fantasies but none of those women actually want to be raped. People like to indulge their fantasies in controlled environments.

While prefacing the following with the unnecessary comment that I find your sentiments literally incomprehensible as a jealous person, they are apparently nevertheless reasonably common. Both the specific fetish you have (which you can find out more about if you google 'cuckold fetish') and the general attitude to relationships which would seem to go with it. A friend of mine in a long-term open relationship recommended Opening Up as, to his mind, the best book on open relationships which (I assume) also has advice on how to broach the subject with your partner without hazarding the relationship.