these are asome jokes i pinched from the essex uni comedy website. A few real gems i thought enjoy.
Cool jokes for cool people.
Q. What’s got two legs and bleeds a lot?
A. Half a dog.
Q. What’s 100 metres long and smells of piss?
A. The queue for Countdown.
Q. How do you knock a clown off a swing?
A. Hit him it in the face with an axe.
Q. What’s big, grey and would kill you if you swallowed it.
A. A car park.
Q. What’s small, stumbles a lot, and can’t fit through revolving doors?
A. A baby with a javelin through its head.
A caterpillar walks into a bar. The barman says to the caterpillar, “We’ve got a cocktail named after you.” The caterpillar looks at him and says “What, you’ve got a cocktail called Steve?”
Q. What’s brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
Q. What’s brown and runny?
A. Linford Christie.
A strip of bacon and a sausage frying in a pan… the sausage says to the strip of bacon, “Bloody hot in here.” The strip of bacon turns to the sausage and says “Wow, a talking sausage.”
The tale of the man with a big orange head.
A man and a woman are standing at a bus stop. The woman is perfectly normal, but the man has a big orange head.
After a while, the woman turns to the man and says, “excuse me, I couldn’t help noticing, but you seem to have a big orange head. Would you mind me asking why?”
“Oh not at all,” replied the man. “I was walking to work one day and I found this lamp by the side of the road, so I rubbed it, just to see what happened, when this genie came out of the top and granted me three wishes”.
“Wow,” the woman exclaimed. “So… what did you wish for?”
“Well, first of all I wished for world peace,” said the man.
“That’s nice,” said the woman. “And what was your second wish?”
“Well, I thought since I’d sorted everyone else out, I might as well make a wish for myself, so I wished for wealth for me and all my family.”
“Good idea,” said the woman. Just then, a bus pulled up and the man jumped on. She called after him, “So, what was your third wish?”
“Oh,” he called back as the bus pulled away, “I wished for a big orange head.”