Bad Jokes

[Ian]

Question:What's orange and looks good on hippies?

Answer: Fire




- Daisy (not Ian, I just dont have a password watchimicallit)

[Ian]

"Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, I guess you won't be needing a drink. Naked lady says--"

[Doctor Mott]

OOOOHHHH SSSHHHHIIIIITTTTT.

[Young Ones]

Nobody'd wear Kicker boots if they were made in Scunthorpe!

[Cloud]

And nobody would drink Evian water if it was called Blackburn water would they?

[jenniferloveschewits]

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

[Scunthorpe]

I hope Kicker boots aren't made in me. It would be very uncomfortable

[hr]The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.

[Guest]

That's an (sic) joke.

[Thackary]

What does the naked lady say?

[Oli]

What's grey and doesn't float?











[s]Answer: A castle [/s]

[Mark]

Q)What game do you play with a Wombat?
A) Wom.

Q)What's white and climbs up drainpipes?
A) Incy Wincy Fridge.

Q)What's red and sulks in the corner of the classroom?
A)A naughty bus.

-Knock, knock
-Who's there?
-Knock, knock
-Who's there?
-Knock, knock
-Who's there?
-Knock, knock
-Who's there?
-Philip Glass.

Q)What do you call two raincoats in a cemetery?
A)Max Bygraves

Two biscuits are sitting on a plate. One turns to the other and says "So, where do you live, then?" The other turns to face him and exclaims "I'm not telling you that! You might nick my washing!"

-Big tampon, medium tampon and small tampon run into each other on the corner of the street. Which one says 'hello' first?
-None, 'cos they're all stuck up cunts.

An old man is going for a walk along a cliff-top path, when he sees a little boy sitting by the edge of the cliff, crying his eyes out. He asks the kid what's the matter. The boy looks up through bleary, tear-stained eyes, and bawls that "I've just seen my whole family fall to their deaths over this cliff! My mam, my dad, my little brother, my Gran...even my dog! They're all lying down there now in a pool of blood!"
The old man smiles wistfully, pulls down his trousers, and says "Well, then, I guess today just isn't your day".

Q)Why do golfers carry a spare jumper?
A)In case it gets cold.

Q)Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.

That'll do for now.

[Cloud]

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff

What animal goes "Doppit! Doppit!"
An elephant with a knot in it's trunk

etc etc

[Imp]

Whats got two legs and bleeds alot?




Half a dog

[Blessed Benediction]

Mark where'd you hear that biscuit one? i knew this bloke who claimed to have started all the biscuit jokes.

good jokes anyway.

[hr]watches should have a smiley face on them as it's always time to be happy

[Scunthorpe]

What do walruses and tupperware have in common?

They both like tight seals

What's black, red and stuck between elephants toes?

Slow natives


[hr]The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.

[Cain]

if anybody is still guessing, tha naked lady joke doesn't have a punchline. it comes from the breakfast club, and the point is that it's a joke that doesn't get finished.

[Ian]

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.
They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do." The Iraqi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi, and whispers back...
"It's because it takes place in the future...."


George Bush is talking to Superman. He says to him, "Superman, I'm sure you could have saved everyone from the Sept 11th disaster if you wanted to. Why didn't you?"
Superman replies:
"Fuck off you bastard, I'm in a wheelchair"

[Mark]

The standard of humour in this thread fell off drastically before everyone in the world got bored and fucked right away off. So here's some old favourites for those of you so far out of the proverbial loop that you haven't actually heard the bastards. Special prize goes to anyone who can spot the theme...

-What's red and sits in a corner getting smaller and smaller?
-A baby combing it's hair with a cheese-grater

-What's red and can't turn round in corridors?
-A baby with a javelin through it's head

-What's purple and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?
-A baby tied to a brick

-How did the dead baby cross the road?
-It was stapled to the chicken

-How did the dead baby cross the road?
-I threw it

-What's pink and black and goes tap...tap...tap...boom?
-A baby in a microwave

-What do you get if you stick a baby in a blender?
-An erection (thank you Danny)

-What's worse than a pile of dead babies?
-The live one at the bottom chewing it's way out

-What's the difference between a skipful of sand and a skipful of babies?
-You can't empty the sand out with a pitchfork

-Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
-Because it was dead

-Why did the second baby fall out of the tree?
-It was nailed to the first one

-Why did the third baby fall out of the tree?
-It thought it was a game

And so on and so forth. Ad nauseum.

ADIOS, PIGFUCKERS

[Warlike Lover]

Italians - little slanty eyes.

No wait - that's italics

[underworlddreams]

For all those sickos out there, here are some more *really* bad jokes...


-Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
-To watch it's expression change

-What's black and blue and smokes in the corner?
-A baby chewing on an electrical lead

-What's pink red and silver and bumps into walls?
-A baby with forks in its eyes

-What's worse than ten dead babies in a dustbin?
-One dead baby in ten dustbins

-What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
-A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw

-How do you spoil a baby?
-Leave it out in the sun

-Did you hear about the new 'morning after' pill for men?
-It changes their blood type

-What's the difference between a mugger and a peeping Tom?
-A mugger snatches watches

-What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Cardiff?
-A leisure centre

-What does a Welshman call safe sex?
-Marking the sheep that kicks

-Where's the best place to shag a sheep?
-On the edge of a cliff - it pushes back harder

-Why did the girl fall off the swing?
-Because she had no arms



[hr]We are angels with but one wing, and to fly we must embrace each other