Official Reports from 19/04

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The game has now started.

Please do NOT post on this board. Only Me (the umpire) and Amorphous (the assistant umpire) can post on official boards.

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On a dark and windy (or, um, warm and sunny) San Andrean afternoon, Starbug geared up and set out to claim the life of their first victim, Smooth Operetta. But alas! Alack! Smooth Operetta was nowhere to be found...

So Starbug left a note.

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The Smooth Operetta has made the first kill. Of all his targets, one name stood out: Tigra. A member of his own family.

He set out to hunt her down, and was preparing gain access to her room, but she was not there. As he returned to his base, the Smooth Operetta saw her approaching down the corridor. He distracted her with questions while he put his arm around her shoulder and drew a knife across her. She slumped to the floor, bleeding, dead.

He wandered back to his base of operations to begin plotting anew.

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Lo, a fiendish note!

"Good evening, Joint-Breasted Octopus.

At approximately 6.45pm today a trained professional assassin called, but you were not available. Your death has been taken back to the regional depot where it may be collected at any time. Please note that you may need to call ahead to make an appointment.

Yours,
The Maltese Falcon"

(Please note: contents of the above letter may not reflect the contents of the actual note, apart from such minor details as who was attempting to kill whom.)

[Amorphous]

Riding on a wave of bloodlust the Smooth Operetta stalked the streets on St Andrews once more on Wednesday evening, hunting his prey, closing in on the place in which Cowboy resides. With a word he charmed Cowboy's flatmates into becoming his accomplices and prepared for a stake-out.

However it was not to be. After several hours of top-quality waiting the Smooth Operetta had to return to his own dwelling, already scheming when and where to strike again.


20/04/06 Edit: St Andrews' citizenry quiver in the face of a terrifying epidemic!

BSE? No.
Foot and mouth? No.
Bird flu? No.
Moderately sinister notes? YES.

As received by Cowboy via the medium of LiveJournal:
"You are not safe in your own home. Today I spent three hours waiting for you, lurking with a knife. But you did not come. In a last-ditch attempt I spread contact poison [...] I hope it didn't cause too much of a mess. Please forgive me.

And be careful.

I'm watching you."


Assassins, beware. Even the internet is no longer safe territory.

(Edited again for crap use of English.)

[Amorphous]

It was six in the evening (possibly) and all was quiet in the desert town of Unionville, U(of)SA.

The silence was broken only by the ringing of a telephone. It was answered by 804, his eyes narrowing in the grim realisation of the implication of such a call.

There would be an attempt on his life soon.

Sure enough, the saloon doors swung open to reveal the form of Fred West, rumoured fastest shot in the... erm... area. The silence was again broken as instantly both assassins drew their weapons and fired.

There was a pause. A tumbleweed rolled past.

Then both assassins realised that no-one was dead, as both shots had run wide. They parted ways knowing that some day soon they might face each other again... for the last time.

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At 6pm, Cowboy had just finished a hard days work on the ranch, and was just sitting down to to eat and ponder on how to assassinate her next target. Her thoughts were interupted when her assistant came into the room,

"A man is here to see you. He says he has some 'interesting' news for you."

"Send him in" Said Cowboy. Although she saw straight through his lame excuse to gain access to her house, she had no proof. She picked up her poison bomb to be on the safe side and waited.

As he entered the room he wasn't bearing a weapon, so Cowboy let her guard down a bit. The man took advatage of this and ran at her withdrawing his knife. His aim was true, and he stabbed her in the heart. Cowboy, in a last attempt to get revenge before she died threw her bomb as she fell to the floor, it hit the assassin on the leg.

Smooth Operetta stumbled back to his base after his second kill. The poison had weakened him, but it wasn't fatal. He realised that he could not make any attempts to assassinate for 24 hours, but would be able to raise a weapon in defence.

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After leaving Unionville on the 20th April, Fred West decided to ride over to Market Town with the intention of delivering one of his poisoned letters to his next target, Airbiscuit.

Airbiscuit looked at his letter with suspicion, and guessed at its contents. When Fred West saw his refusal to open the letter he pulled out his gun, aimed, and fired. Airbiscuit fell to the ground and Fred West walked away in triumph.

A few minutes later Airbiscuit sat up, the shot had hit him in the leg. He managed to limp back to his base where his wife tended the wound. As he lay on his bed he swore revenge to the assassin known as Fred West!

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Waking up the next day, Airbiscuit found his leg to be much better, although not quite totally healed.

He hobbled over to the breakfast table where he found another letter from "Monsieur Iain Elliot or Fife Park". He immediately disposed of this envelope knowing that the contents would probably be harmful.

With two attempts on his life within twentyfour hours, airbiscuit realised he was going to have to be much more cautious.

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The mid-day sun was bearing down on Red5 as he stood from his vantage point above the Physics and Astronomy building on the North Haugh. He ignored the heat as he stood silently watching, his Dihydrogen Monoxide Blaster Pistol in his hand.

He began to move when he saw his target, Cutthroat Bess, leave the building unaware of his presence. He followed her, slowely getting closer and closer. When he was in range he shot two blasts from his gun, both hitting his target in the back of the head.

Cutthroat Bess slumped to the floor, not knowing what had hit her.

On his exit Red5 briefly stopped at his original vantage point and looked down. He saw a crowd of people gathered around the body, but thankfully no one had saw him leave, and his cover was safe. He returned to his base to await his next target assignment.

[Amorphous]

Continuing his love affair with the North Haugh, Red5 claimed the life of Noisette today at about 4.30pm after a careful game of cat-and-mouse lasting for several hours; first sighting her at 1pm, then once again later in the afternoon, finally beginning to close in for the kill past 4 o'clock.

With the grace of a panther Red5 stalked his prey from afar, detouring by the Maths and Physics buildings as Noisette made her way towards New Hall. By the time she reached the Purdie building the distance between them had lessened, but Red5 knew he must be cautious and choose his moment - a nearby crowd meant witnesses, and witnesses meant police or other assassins. Patiently, then, he followed her into the almost abandoned carpark, closing the gap, readying himself for the moment.

"Excuse me, are you Miss [Noisette]?" he asked.

"Why, yes!" Noisette responded.

Red5 replied in turn with a bullet, before escaping the scene of the crime and fading into the shadows.

Alas for poor Noisette there were no nearby med students to help her in her last moments. By the time the paramedics arrived, she was already dead.

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The Lapse Pacifist was just walking home after a long afternoon in the lab, eyes pealed for any of his targets. As he was passing tescos he heard wheel screeches behind him. He looked back as a car skidded round the corner and came towards him. The people on the street screamed at the car recklessly drove half on the pavement. The Lapse Pacifist caught sight of a gun thorugh the window and began to run away but he was too late. Two bullets pierced right through his chest and he fell to the floor.

804 drove the car out of view, and placed his gun on the passenger seat. He realised that he would need to dump the car somewhere before the police were notified so he decided to park it in an old carpark down near Albany Park.

When he was just about to get out of the car he noticed Fred West crossing the carpark, oblivious to the fact that the man he had triend to assassinate yesterday was only yards away. 804 couldn't believe his luck as he reloaded his gun. He quietly wound down his window, aimed, and fired! Fred West lay on the floor, a nisty hole in his abdomen.

804 walked back to his home feeling very pleased with his successful assassinations.

[Amorphous]

(I apologise for the truly awful subject line above, but somehow I still felt it had to be done.)

Rumours are abound that Albany Park is being haunted by the presence of a vicious beast. Some curtain-twitching witnesses claim it was some sort of werewolf, while others suggest that it was a mutant combination of all of the Albany Park cats, and still more tell tales of a half-man, half-machine (what does it mean, what does it mean?).

Significantly more sober (and eagle-eyed) witnesses attest that at first the beast was almost invisible, slipping from shadow to shadow as a dark liquid, soundlessly, waiting for its victim to emerge from the protection of their house. Only then did the beast reveal its nature, erupting from the shadows with a cry akin to "ARR!" and descending upon its target with a swift, deadly fury.

The battle was short and bloody, and soon the ninjapirate attack monkey stood victorious over the body of poor, unsuspecting Uberweigie.

With one command, Turbulance called his attack monkey back to his side before nodding grimly at the scene and turning his back on the deed.

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Dakota sat on a bench waiting. He thought himself inconspicuous with his long dark trench coat, wide-rimmed hat, and sunglasses. He watched the entrance to a building through the holes he made in the newspaper. Eventually his target, 804, came out of the building for lunch and Dakota saw his chance. He stood up and walked towards 804. When he was close enough he 'tripped' and fell to the floor. 804 rushed over,

"Are you OK?" 804 asked. He suddenly saw himself staring down a barrel of a gun that had been hidden in Dakota's coat.

"Yes, but you're not" Said Dakota as he pulled the trigger.


Pleased with his fist kill, Dakota decided to get a nice lunch from Tescos!! As he was deciding what to get he saw another of his targets, Tiggerm, wander past him and out on the street. Dakota dropped what he was carrying and started to follow. He tracked Tiggerm down a Dark Alley and saw him put a key in a door.

"This must be his base" Thought Dakota. He realised that he must act now before Tiggerm got inside. For the second time that day he raised his gun and fired. Tiggerm slumped to the floor.

Dakota left the Alley, slipped past the crowd surrounding 804's body and went in search of his next target.

[Amorphous]

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... Red5 and his accomplices moved into an attack formation, looking for an exploitable weakness in the target; a small thermal exhaust port, with a shaft leading directly to the reactor system. Only a precise hit would set up a chain reaction. Having successfully destroyed the Death Star, Red5 then decided to make an attempt on Turbulance, swarming upon the area where he was expected to be.

"I can't see him."
"Steady, hold position, check your six."

After almost thirty minutes of patiently waiting, keeping careful watch for ninja monkeys, the target finally came in to view accompanied by a friend.

This was a critical moment. Too early and he might miss, too late and all may be for naught. When Turbulance had drawn close to within one metre, Red5 decided to act.

"Mr [Turbulance]?"
"Why ye--" Turbulance began to respond, before noticing that Red5 was reaching for his weapon. Instantly he tried to beat a retreat, but several shots to the back put paid to any thoughts of escape (or, in fact, any thoughts at all). In his last moments Turbulance slipped to the ground, weapon half-drawn.

Red5 turned his back, leaving the female companion to run forth and spread fear and terror.

Smells like... victory!

[Amorphous]

The day was grim and overcast as slowly the crowd filtered into the graveyard, dressed alike in black. Solemnly they made their way up the hill to where the coffin lay, gathering around to pay their respects. When everyone had assembled, the minister began.

"Dearly beloved," he began, and got no further due to an interruption; a slow, steady knocking noise.

There was a pause. Murmurs ran through the assembled crowd, and then all was silent again.

The minister decided to continue. "We are gathered here today..." he started, and was again interrupted by a knocking noise, this time louder and more insistent.

The noises continued as everyone exchanged looks and then, as one person, looked down.

They were coming from the coffin. Gradually the knocking sounds began to increase in volume and regularity, until suddenly they were replaced with a loud creaking noise which was immediately followed by a scream and a thump as a woman in the back row passed out.

There 804 stood dressed in his Sunday best but, more notably, rather less dead than everyone recalled him being recently. He climbed out of the now worse-for-wear coffin and surveyed the crowd critically before casting a look about him and bounding off, possibly to take revenge on some of his 'best friends' who hadn’t turned up.


Following these events, an investigation found that the man whose life was claimed by Dakota was not, in fact, 804 and owing to an accident with sleeping pills and some alcohol this mistake was not discovered until it was almost too late.


Ladies and gentlemen, 804 lives again!

(Please note that 804 has not been endowed with any form of zombie powers and is therefore just as susceptible to death as he was before.)

(Author's note: I do not, of course, intend to make any kind of assumption on the religious and/or burial/after-death preferences of Mr 804. Also most of this was based on television, having never had to attend a funeral myself.)

[Amorphous]

Following a night of debauchery, Smooth Operetta found himself somewhat too relaxed the next day. Attending lectures as an ordinary, law-abiding student he found that the paranoid lifestyle to which he'd become accustomed just didn't come to him as easily as it used to; the only things he expected to be hiding in bushes were birds, the man walking his dog really did seem like a friendly neighbour rather than an undercover CIA agent, and suspicious-looking people in trenchcoats all seemed to have perfectly good reasons for their odd choice of summer wear.

Precious little did he know that outside, October was waiting. At 3pm Smooth Operetta emerged from the lecture hall and serenely set off in the direction of Uni Hall, unaware that he was being followed, stalked, hunted.

October readied himself for the moment, and set out to confirm the identity of his prey. Casually he approached the target and asked, "are you [Smooth Operetta]?" while drawing his sword. Recognising the two danger signs the Smooth Operetta bolted towards the relative safety of Uni Hall, striving towards shelter and cursing his luck for leaving his trusted dagger behind in the bedroom of last night's pleasurable company.

A heated chase ensued, but it proved too difficult to outrun the taste of cold steel - bleeding, Smooth Operetta fell to the ground, only to be stabbed several more times in the chest to make absolutely certain.

October deposited a single preserved autumn leaf on the body, both a calling card and a mark of respect, before sheathing his sword and heading away from the scene of the crime.

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Azrael was sitting enjoying a pint at his local union with his friends. He'd not been assassinated yet, it seemed no one was after him, and so he decided to go and enjoy a night of relaxation.

Unknown to him, Groucho, an assassin who hadn't really appeared on the scene yet, had been tracking him for a few days, waiting for the opportune moment to strike.

Azrael was now quite wasted, and decided to go home and sleep it off. He staggered out of the union, his balance not quite as sharp as usual. Before he knew what had happened, Groucho had leaped out of the shadows wielding a heavy club. He swung at Azrael four times. Azrael tried to dodge them but his reactions couldn't keep up, and the blows hit his head all four times. He fell to the floor, his face so crushed it was barely recognisable.

Groucho left the scene, satisfied with his first kill.

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Lady Veternari was enjoying an evening meal at the well respected MacIntosh restaurant, as she did every Friday evening. She had ordered her favourite, French onion soup, and stared at the empty chair opposite, for her date had just called saying he was running late and to order without him.

The waiter came carrying a tray with her soup on it.
“Your soup, madam.” He said, placing it down on the table,
“Thank you” Said Lady Veternari as she smiled and started to tuck in. She suddenly dropped her spoon as she realised who the waiter was – one of her targets. She turned back around and found herself staring at a shawn-off barrel of a shot gun that 804 had been hiding under the tray.
“Would you like pepper with your soup?” He asked as he pulled the trigger. The other restaurant customers and staff screamed and began to run in all directions. 804 used the confusion to slip outside and into the shadows.