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Chattan Futures...

Postby liliputian on Sun May 02, 2004 12:04 pm

after seeing a similar thread on the main board i thought id start one here!

so what do you think people will end up doing in the future? doesnt necessarily have to be a sinner chattanite - anyone at all in chattan!

il start the ball rolling by saying Nick McGlynn (Tyrant) will, upon arriving in Japan for his TEFL year, fall madly in love with the country and never leave, giving up his dreams of being in the diplomatic service to work in the japanese porn industry, becoming so legendary for his relatively huge...'person' (come on japanee men are tiny!) that theres a special strip dedicated to him on sexylosers.com!

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Re:

Postby Slash wannabe on Mon May 03, 2004 10:17 am

I reckon Jules will end up dead, a drunken bum in the gutter or some guy who writes weird books

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Re:

Postby Cain on Mon May 03, 2004 10:23 am

"On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero"
I hold an element of surprise
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Re:

Postby Tweedle-Dee on Mon May 03, 2004 10:31 am

[s]Slash wannabe wrote on 11:17, 3rd May 2004:
I reckon Jules will end up dead, a drunken bum in the gutter or some guy who writes weird books



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Re:

Postby thePontificator on Mon May 03, 2004 10:40 am

Jules will become a Libertine to such an extent that the band will change their name.

David Sharp will turn into a deranged army officer and commit atrocities in whatever country it is we're invading in 15 years time.

Slash wannabe will replace Buckethead as guitarist for G'n'R and they will finally release Chinese Democracy. Despite his best efforts it will be still be shite but with some nice solos.

Will will turn into Will from About a Boy.

I will get a dull office job and lose the will to live.
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Re:

Postby quarterstaff on Mon May 03, 2004 12:04 pm

lillip will rise to power in whitehall, or possibly in the broadsheets.

akasha will become the head of a great corporate entity and the driving force behind the new booming scottish economy, leading to such cultural confidence that independence becomes reality.

blincow/shipman will, medical degree or no, become an "at-home-entrepeneur" with kleenezee or some such and make a million by the time he is 30... then invest this in property and shares before becoming a the leader of the scottish tory party and taking control of the newly formed independent scottish stae, and creating opportunities for business (see ashaka) that have never before been seen in this corner of the world.

Phil will die fighting for a noble cause that has already been declared lost.

Martin will move to Canada, work for NASA, and bring his mother over with him (your too good a man, martin, to leave her in that fucking hole: Girvan)

Rara will find true love on a carribean cruise.

Biagi will go far if he remembers to not piss too many people off.

Gorrie for pope.
god damned mongolians!
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Re:

Postby Slash wannabe on Mon May 03, 2004 2:37 pm

Surely Chain mailer will have spent every penny she owns on playing pool.

Everytime i see them they are in the common room, in the union playing pool or sinnerising.

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Re:

Postby Chain Mailer on Mon May 03, 2004 3:20 pm

KateBush will be the next Prime Minister and kick ass in all things political!

Slash will be jailed for stalking as he seems to be practising already

Felix will be dead at the age of 35 after fulfilling her life long dream of dying via volcano

Jules will survive his third liver transplant before selling Wales to the Americans so he can pay back his debts and remain the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Rach will be living in America with Keifer after meeting Mr Sutherland 'randomly' in Central Park and having an extremely expensive, fancy wedding somewhere exotic and hot.

Mr Sharp will be the most wanted man in Europe as, after doing a few gigs as Harry Potter's stand-in, Sharp will kill Daniel Radcliffe in a fit of jealous rage as Daniel gets a Firebolt and David only gets a silly hat. He will eventually be killed by a mob of manic Harry Potter fans.

Chain Mailer will disappear without a trace while Maisha moves to New York and lives it up as a very successful novelist (and part time assassin) with money to burn and yearly hunting excursions to shoot poachers in Africa and Indonesia :)



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Re:

Postby Chain Mailer on Mon May 03, 2004 3:22 pm

[s]Chain Mailer wrote on 16:20, 3rd May 2004:
KateBush will be the next Prime Minister and kick ass in all things political!

Slash will be jailed for stalking as he seems to be practising already

Felix will be dead at the age of 35 after fulfilling her life long dream of dying via volcano

Jules will survive his third liver transplant before selling Wales to the Americans so he can pay back his debts and remain the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Rach will be living in America with Keifer after meeting Mr Sutherland 'randomly' in Central Park and having an extremely expensive, fancy wedding somewhere exotic and hot.

Mr Sharp will be the most wanted man in Europe as, after doing a few gigs as Harry Potter's stand-in, Sharp will kill Daniel Radcliffe in a fit of jealous rage as Daniel gets a Firebolt and David only gets a silly hat. He will eventually be killed by a mob of manic Harry Potter fans.

Chain Mailer will disappear without a trace while Maisha moves to New York and lives it up as a very successful novelist (and part time assassin) with money to burn and yearly hunting excursions to Africa and Indonesia to shoot poachers :)



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hmmm

Postby Guest on Mon May 03, 2004 4:35 pm

[s]thePontificator wrote on 11:40, 3rd May 2004:
Jules will become a Libertine to such an extent that the band will change their name.

David Sharp will turn into a deranged army officer and commit atrocities in whatever country it is we're invading in 15 years time.

Slash wannabe will replace Buckethead as guitarist for G'n'R and they will finally release Chinese Democracy. Despite his best efforts it will be still be shite but with some nice solos.

Will will turn into Will from About a Boy.

I will get a dull office job and lose the will to live.



will already think's he is will from about a boy. he wants to be ibiza!
Jules will probably bring the monster raving loony party to power, just for a bet, and bring back free milk for school children. milk that is laced with port to keep the little bastards quiet.
slash wannabe will probably take the groupie lifestyle to far and get the clap. who is slash wannabe anyway?

and i will be a better class of dosser cause i'll have a degree!
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Re:

Postby Slash wannabe on Mon May 03, 2004 6:38 pm

[s]Chain Mailer wrote on 16:20, 3rd May 2004:
Slash will be jailed for stalking as he seems to be practising already


Come on how is that a fair comment just because i notice things im a stalker? I dont even know your name for fucks sake.

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Re:

Postby Chain Mailer on Mon May 03, 2004 6:52 pm

Aha! Then it obviously shows that you should reconsider your career choice! Ask Harry Potter 4 names



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Re:

Postby not andy on Mon May 03, 2004 8:47 pm

Steven Craig will still be getting ready to go out.

The big poof.
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Re:

Postby thePontificator on Tue May 04, 2004 5:25 pm

Steven Craig is not a big poof! He's very manly, he told me so yesterday.
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Re:

Postby Slash wannabe on Wed May 05, 2004 9:47 am

[s]Unregisted User wrote on 15:46, 3rd May 2004:

who is slash wannabe anyway?



Depends who is Unregistered User is lol

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Re:

Postby Akasha on Wed May 05, 2004 1:07 pm

god, what will the country be like with a load of Chattanites in charge???

Liliputian - probably dead. A mountain of union paperwork will fall on her, noone will be able to see/find her and she will remain buried until her death.

Rara - will own a funky clothes/shoe shop frequented by people from all over the globe who will flock to admire her unusual fashion.

Quarterstaff - After picking an argument with someone too large and brutish to use his Judo on, he will be left scarred down one side of his face from a broken bottle fight. He will rise steadily in the army but due to his hideous scarring and endless cynisicm become more and more like Mr DeMartino (psychotic history teacher in Daria). Becoming more and more recluse and delusional he will eventually plan a mass annihilation of the ones who are 'out to get him' before being put away.

Nick will get over his aversion to all things female and marry a sweet Japanese girl, shocking everyone by bringing her back to the UK with a 'bun in the oven'. He will go on to lecture on "greek buggery" (as he puts it) and become a slightly eccentric G&S loving academic.

Magus - Will surprise everyone and hand her dissertation in on time! After spending a delightful summer in St Andrews she will get a job working as a spy but after being posted in Rome her all encompassing love for all things old and crumbly will make her turn to the other side. She will end her days in a villa in Italy surrounded by cute Med. men wearing only shorts and little bow ties as an eccentric academic, specialising in some obscure aspect of Cicero. However, their mutual love for G&S means Nick will forsaken his foreign bride for Laura and they will sail off into the horizon singing "I am the very model of a modern major general"


Jules - Despite trying his hardest to drink his degree away, Jules will surprise everyone, and graduate with a 1st. Upon deciding that his "science" degree is useless, he will stop wearing socks and develop a nasty fungal infection which will result in him loosing his little toe. Despite his 'disability', his power and influence in political circles will increase resulting in him eventually becoming the 'man behind the scenes' manipulating a puppet tory government. Through this 'puppet government' Jules will use his influence to reduce tax on alcohol, turning the UK into a destination as hot as Amsterdam and allowing him to embezzle large sums to pay for his addiction to rare (read expensive) port.

Phil will be bald, having messed with his hair one too many times.

KateBush - After writing sevral inspiring books for the womens movement and humanitarianism in general, she will oversee the amalgamation of various NGO's and interest groups into an all-powerful force. This all powerful movement shall rise against Jules puppet government and KateBush shall be imprisioned, eventually becoming as infamous as the likes of Nelson Mandela and the Dali Lama.

Hmmm....does this make any sense, no..
Sorry am suffering from a mental breakdown and am bored.
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Re:

Postby pea on Wed May 05, 2004 10:19 pm

This is of course providing everyone gets out alive...
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Re:

Postby KateBush on Thu May 06, 2004 11:34 am

hehehehehehehehe
Intelligence can leap the hurdles which nature has set before us- Livy
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Re:

Postby quarterstaff on Thu May 06, 2004 3:19 pm

anja will prove that lobsters are immortal if they arent injured or diseased, and will harness this gene-tech to develop better and better re-jun make up and she will become stupidly rich, but will always long for those simple days of telling everyone in hall to "fuck off" and "shut up".

kylie will use this treatment to rejuvenate her bowel and be able to eat wheat again.

because kylie can eat wheat, her interest in politics will subside whilst she becomes a grain tycoon and moves to states (though she will retain her green and lefty sympathies and donate vast quantities of food to starving nations)

the ensuing political vacuum will be filled by Nick McGlynn and his army of japs... they will rise to power and smash the fascist state run by messrs blincow, welshboy and akasha.

the japs will all move to glasgow which will be known as 'paradise' for evermore in japanese culture - the poor diet of the natives means they dont feel short, and there is a vast supply of stupid dirty gaijin to kick the living shit out of. eventually the japanese will believe that when they die they are reborn as glaswegians, as these are the "perfect" form of japanese - they speak in comprehensible, are short, eat lots of fish, are violent... BUT have larger caucasian penises.

louise hallman will quit her job as middle east correspondant to the telegraph and leave the middle east disatisfied... upon her chance return to see old uni friends at st andrews they decide on a whim to visit the new japanese state of Dalriada in the west of scotland.

this band of mighty renegade middle aged dissatisfied divorcees: hallman the former journalist; lily the former head of prisons in the state of Utah; seth/katie (yes, by now they truly ARE one being in an akira stylee) the former professional hairproduct experimentee; jules, the former drunkard (now professor of hip at the college of street in the university of life..... okokokok! he's a rentboy in edinburgh, ok?!); and fergus the crestfallen onehit wonder guitarist.

this group makes the perilous trek to glasgow and intend to reclaim dalriada as scottish british and european.

instead, louise is elevated to godhood amongst the STILL height senstive japs, lily is cremated by a plasma bomb for being chinese (sorry - but you know those japs!) seth/katie, who prefers to be known as MECAZORD decide to get evil on the japs and ends up fighting MIDGITUZO (louise the demigod) and jules and fergus end up setting up a sushi bar with a nice western twist that really draws the japanese crowds and become celebs in their own right in a richard branson stylee.

seeing his old friends torn apart by the fates, phil the treehugging nut - {{{erstwhilst president of the union of scientific states (the usa broke down into 4 power blokes in 2024 after the infamous "ice-cream bar incident - see Hemetic Differentiate book 3, "the mark of times" - these being the hispanic peoples american republica in the south east; the christain federation, in the obvious areas; the free peoples democracy (oiriental dominated west coast) and the union of scientific states in the north east}}}}

anyway, our old chap phil decides to go nuclear on the japs in scotland, but the day before he decides to strike he is invited to dinner in ayshire, in dalriada by an old friend and sparing partner David Sharp...

Davud, a known jap sympathiser, (and head of the new dalriadan defence force) convinces phil that the fusion of japs and wegies is in fact a good thing,

and together they go off righting wrongs and killing foreigners.

the USS and dalriada eventually force changes to the UN so that it has its own military and the ability and will to enforce international laws.

this mis guided act of global charity ends up with david blincow, bitter after all these years ceasing control of the UN's beaurocratic machinary and laying martial law on the world, creating a world state.

the dalriadan/USS axis are the last to fall to global blincowism.

30 years after they fall, blincow reveals his true nature to the captured enemies (still alive cos torture IS fun) - Sharp, Phil, Beth and Fergus (still mourning the loss of his good mate Jules - terrible thing blowfish poisoning) are stunned to discover that Blincow is not really blincow - the real blincow killed himself in what seemed honourable suicide after he was ousted, but in fact he was just fucking about with a pool cue and messed up big time.
blincow that took over the world was in fact the amalgam of MECAZORD and MIDGITUZO (demigod louise and katie/seth) she explained that global governance was for the best and that she deliberately made herself hated world wide so that when phil lead the counter revolution and re-instated worldwide scientific dalriadanism, the globe would embrace it!

so, louise/seth/katie made their peace with the world, and moved onto another realm of existence, phil and comrades rediscovered the old cell of Nick MyGlynn and invited him to be cultural pan-golbal secretary in the new government, - fregus become the greatest media mogul of all time with his own personal brand of himself playing guitar oin all tv stations for ever, beth found true love despite never having thought it existed and retires rich and happy.

And what of David Sharp? well i would tell you, but you'd never believe me.

:)


disclaimer - i am not a racist, just a fantasist with a bizarre sense of humour and bad spelling... sorry for any offence caused - all was intended in good humour.

and i would actually LOVE it if the japanese and scots joined - that would rock. seriously it would.


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Re:

Postby The Kinky Monkey on Thu May 06, 2004 4:22 pm

Hmmmmmm....

I think that in a few years time Phil's head will have exploded because of all the politics and causes he was fighting for.
His head will regenerate itself and resemble a small woodland creature, possibly a vole.
He will become a dark people hating mother-fu**er, and turn into a capitalist, bent on destroying any other woodland creatures. HE WILL BE AT THE TOP!!!! HE WILL BE THE BEST!!!

Anyway, as for Sharpey, i think he will busk on the streets of Glasgow, with a tin whistle, a kazoo and a dorset washboard (sorry to anyone who lives in Dorset- not knockin you, honest).
He will be then discovered by the same people who discovered the cheeky girls, and have a big sell-out pop star career, writing various pop classics such as- "La La La La, oooo you got a big arse", "Oooom Pah Pah, Oooom Pah Pah, I don't know what to do with this goldfish thats protruding from my armpit" and "Wibble Wobble, Wibble Wobble, Jelly on a plate" (yeah i know the last ones a cover).

As for those in the Patriot Act...Hmmmm.....
Hauke will have taken over the world definitely, with Sonke as his evil henchman. A bit like Hitler and Goeboels, maybe. But with blond hair and blue eyes.
Ferg will be a session musician as his private life will catch up with him (!), and he'll be forced into living in a magical castle on an island just off the coast of greenland. His only companions will be the elves and the pixies that dwell in the murky depths of the swamp. He will have recorded many session guitar parts for various people, only to switch the radio on and find out that one of his riffs have been used on The Artist Formerly Known as David Sharp's forthcoming single "Yo mutherfukka, wassup with your wombat!"
Ferg will try to commit the ultimate suicide by jumping off a cliff, having first set himself on fire, and taken a large dose of rat poison, try to shoot himself in the head, while a rope around his neck tied to a tree tries to hang him. He will miss his head, shoot the rope, fall into the sea below, thus putting the flames out, and the cold water will make himthrow up his poison. He will succeed however, by dying of hypothermia in hospital.

Glad thats over.

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