an irishman, an english man and a scotsman walk into a bar.
The bar man asks "is this some sort of joke"
Post a joke because this is the limits of my humour
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Make me laugh
by moonshine boy on Fri Apr 30, 2004 9:09 am
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moonshine boy
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Re:
by Zombie Sheep on Fri Apr 30, 2004 9:24 am
How about,
Doctor, doctor, I seem to be constipated.
Well take these tablets and come back in a week.
(So the patient comes back in a week)
I have good news and bad news, doctor. The good news is that my bowels empty themselves at half seven every morning. The bad news, I don't wake up 'til eight!
[hr]http://www.savetheworld.co.uk - help stuff, win stuff.
Doctor, doctor, I seem to be constipated.
Well take these tablets and come back in a week.
(So the patient comes back in a week)
I have good news and bad news, doctor. The good news is that my bowels empty themselves at half seven every morning. The bad news, I don't wake up 'til eight!
[hr]http://www.savetheworld.co.uk - help stuff, win stuff.
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Zombie Sheep
Sorry long one
by Chain Mailer on Fri Apr 30, 2004 9:37 am
The CIA were holding interviews for their new position of assassin, they were looking for a ruthless and merciless professional who would take orders no matter what. They got 3 applicants, 2 men and a woman. The CIA directors were very impressed with all 3 and so decided to give them a test.
They gave a gun to the first man and said 'Go into that room, it is empty except for a chair with a person sitting on it, we want you to shoot the person sitting there'
The man confidently strode into the room with the gun ready, a few seconds later he came out shaking and handed the gun back 'My girl friends in there! I can't shoot my girlfriend!' The directors dismissed him and called for the 2nd man and gave him the same instructions. The man came out of the new room upset, 'That was my wife in there! I'm sorry I couldnt do it'. The directors dismissed him as well and sent in the woman. 'Kill the person in the room' they told her.
The Woman went in, the directors waiting outside heard a scream and then sickening thuds. Eventually the woman came out, visibly shaken, 'That was my husband in there! Why didnt you tell me the gun wasnt loaded! I had to beat the bastard to death with the chair! He nearly got away!
I know not great, not the best joke teller
[hr]
Smile, it makes people wonder what you've been up to
They gave a gun to the first man and said 'Go into that room, it is empty except for a chair with a person sitting on it, we want you to shoot the person sitting there'
The man confidently strode into the room with the gun ready, a few seconds later he came out shaking and handed the gun back 'My girl friends in there! I can't shoot my girlfriend!' The directors dismissed him and called for the 2nd man and gave him the same instructions. The man came out of the new room upset, 'That was my wife in there! I'm sorry I couldnt do it'. The directors dismissed him as well and sent in the woman. 'Kill the person in the room' they told her.
The Woman went in, the directors waiting outside heard a scream and then sickening thuds. Eventually the woman came out, visibly shaken, 'That was my husband in there! Why didnt you tell me the gun wasnt loaded! I had to beat the bastard to death with the chair! He nearly got away!
I know not great, not the best joke teller
[hr]
Smile, it makes people wonder what you've been up to
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious
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Chain Mailer
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Re:
by thePontificator on Fri Apr 30, 2004 10:04 am
You must have heard this one...
A man goes to hospital to visit his wife, who is in a coma. On arrival he is told that unless something is done soon her life support machine will be turned off.
'This is terrible,' says the man, 'isn't there something we can do?'
'Well,' said the Doctor, 'you could try physical stimulus of a sexual nature.'
'Will that work?'
'It has been known to, nothing drastic, just a little peck on the cheek, some gentle foreplay.'
The man comes back 5 minutes later saying that his attempts were unsuccesful.
'Well, you could try going a little further, rubbing erogenous zones, muzzling, that sort of thing'
The man comes back 5 minutes later saying that his attempts were unsuccesful.
'Oh,' said the Doctor, 'well, this is a bit extreme, but, how about a blow job? That might do the trick.'
The man comes back 5 minutes later, white as a ghost.
'What happened?' said the Doctor
'She choked'
A man goes to hospital to visit his wife, who is in a coma. On arrival he is told that unless something is done soon her life support machine will be turned off.
'This is terrible,' says the man, 'isn't there something we can do?'
'Well,' said the Doctor, 'you could try physical stimulus of a sexual nature.'
'Will that work?'
'It has been known to, nothing drastic, just a little peck on the cheek, some gentle foreplay.'
The man comes back 5 minutes later saying that his attempts were unsuccesful.
'Well, you could try going a little further, rubbing erogenous zones, muzzling, that sort of thing'
The man comes back 5 minutes later saying that his attempts were unsuccesful.
'Oh,' said the Doctor, 'well, this is a bit extreme, but, how about a blow job? That might do the trick.'
The man comes back 5 minutes later, white as a ghost.
'What happened?' said the Doctor
'She choked'
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thePontificator
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Re:
by amac on Fri Apr 30, 2004 10:13 am
This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.
"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."
He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."
"But ye fuck ONE sheep...."
"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."
He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."
"But ye fuck ONE sheep...."
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amac
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Re:
by Sleigh on Fri Apr 30, 2004 10:15 am
[s]thePontificator wrote on 11:04, 30th Apr 2004:
'Oh,' said the Doctor, 'well, this is a bit extreme, but, how about a blow job? That might do the trick.'
It's oral sex, you muppet.
How do you make a cat go woof?
Set it on fire.
[hr]
Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
'Oh,' said the Doctor, 'well, this is a bit extreme, but, how about a blow job? That might do the trick.'
It's oral sex, you muppet.
How do you make a cat go woof?
Set it on fire.
[hr]
Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
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Sleigh
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Re:
by iohannes on Fri Apr 30, 2004 10:20 am
The Pope, and Bill Clinton die on the same day. Clinton goes to heaven, and the Pope goes to hell by mistake.
It takes the Pope about a half hour to fix things, and as he's heading up to heaven he sees Bill coming down.
As they pass the Pope says, "Where are you going?"
"To hell, your Holiness," Bill replys, "Where are you going?"
"To see the Virgin Mary," says the Pope.
"Oh that's too bad," says Bill. "You're about 20 minutes too late."
[hr]http://www.crumble.org
That is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
It takes the Pope about a half hour to fix things, and as he's heading up to heaven he sees Bill coming down.
As they pass the Pope says, "Where are you going?"
"To hell, your Holiness," Bill replys, "Where are you going?"
"To see the Virgin Mary," says the Pope.
"Oh that's too bad," says Bill. "You're about 20 minutes too late."
[hr]http://www.crumble.org
That is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
That is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
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iohannes
- Posts: 567
- Joined: Tue Oct 14, 2003 11:22 pm
Re:
by Campbell on Fri Apr 30, 2004 11:14 am
sorry this is the only joke i know
There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.
So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'
'OK,' says the guy.
He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
'You have one wish.'
The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.
He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'
The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'
There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.
So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'
'OK,' says the guy.
He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
'You have one wish.'
The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.
He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'
The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'
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Campbell
- Posts: 447
- Joined: Fri Jan 23, 2004 5:12 pm
Re:
by Marco Biagi on Fri Apr 30, 2004 12:25 pm
This is a bit of an IR joke, so sorry.
The British ambassador returns to Afghanistan after the end of the war there. He's been away for sixteen years and is being shown all the developments by a guide from the new government.
"It's amazing," says the ambassadror "the last time I was here, women were forced to walk twenty feet behind their husbands, and now they walk so far in front. What's changed?"
The guide answers "landmines".
The British ambassador returns to Afghanistan after the end of the war there. He's been away for sixteen years and is being shown all the developments by a guide from the new government.
"It's amazing," says the ambassadror "the last time I was here, women were forced to walk twenty feet behind their husbands, and now they walk so far in front. What's changed?"
The guide answers "landmines".
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Marco Biagi
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Re:
by C. on Fri Apr 30, 2004 1:39 pm
In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular
looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several
minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the
unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the
Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought -"That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by
mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have
slapped his face"
The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the
blonde and she smacked him".
The Frenchman thought - "That f---ing Englishman put his hand on that blonde
and by mistake she slapped me".
The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack
that French t*@t again."
looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several
minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the
unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the
Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought -"That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by
mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have
slapped his face"
The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the
blonde and she smacked him".
The Frenchman thought - "That f---ing Englishman put his hand on that blonde
and by mistake she slapped me".
The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack
that French t*@t again."
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C.
- Posts: 88
- Joined: Wed Sep 03, 2003 11:23 am
Re:
by thePontificator on Fri Apr 30, 2004 1:46 pm
[s]Sleigh wrote on 11:15, 30th Apr 2004:
[s]thePontificator wrote on 11:04, 30th Apr 2004:[i]
'Oh,' said the Doctor, 'well, this is a bit extreme, but, how about a blow job? That might do the trick.'
It's oral sex, you muppet.
[/i]
There's a difference? I mean, if a woman asked you for a blow job you'd say no because the terminology was wrong?
Another sick joke which I expect you've heard before
It's hallowe'en, and a man and a little girl are walking through a dark and scary forest. There are fireworks going off in the background, the lighting is eerie and ominous. The little girl turns to the older man and says 'I'm scared.'
'You're scared?' he replies, 'I have to walk back through this place on my own.'
[s]thePontificator wrote on 11:04, 30th Apr 2004:[i]
'Oh,' said the Doctor, 'well, this is a bit extreme, but, how about a blow job? That might do the trick.'
It's oral sex, you muppet.
[/i]
There's a difference? I mean, if a woman asked you for a blow job you'd say no because the terminology was wrong?
Another sick joke which I expect you've heard before
It's hallowe'en, and a man and a little girl are walking through a dark and scary forest. There are fireworks going off in the background, the lighting is eerie and ominous. The little girl turns to the older man and says 'I'm scared.'
'You're scared?' he replies, 'I have to walk back through this place on my own.'
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thePontificator
- Posts: 494
- Joined: Thu Nov 27, 2003 12:02 am
Re:
by S.P.I.G on Fri Apr 30, 2004 2:03 pm
That's not as good as this one...
There's a little girl standing on the edge of a cliff crying. A man walks up to her and says, "Little girl, why are you crying?"
Too upset to speak, the girl just points down to the base of the cliff where her parents mangled bodies are trapped in the wreckage of a car. The man turns around, unzips his flies and says "It's not your lucky day is it...".
There's a little girl standing on the edge of a cliff crying. A man walks up to her and says, "Little girl, why are you crying?"
Too upset to speak, the girl just points down to the base of the cliff where her parents mangled bodies are trapped in the wreckage of a car. The man turns around, unzips his flies and says "It's not your lucky day is it...".
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S.P.I.G
Re:
by Raindance on Fri Apr 30, 2004 2:27 pm
[s]Manic23 wrote on 11:04, 30th Apr 2004:
Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A. It was dead
Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was tied to the first monkey
[hr]
Looks like the joke's on you Lord Paultoreaux!
Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A. It was dead
Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was tied to the first monkey
[hr]
Looks like the joke's on you Lord Paultoreaux!
I'm only here because b3ta is broken.
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Raindance
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Re:
by Manic23 on Fri Apr 30, 2004 2:30 pm
[s]Raindance wrote on 15:27, 30th Apr 2004:
[s]Manic23 wrote on 11:04, 30th Apr 2004:[i]
Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A. It was dead
Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was tied to the first monkey
[hr]
Looks like the joke's on you Lord Paultoreaux!
[/i]
Q. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
A. It thought it was a game
[s]Manic23 wrote on 11:04, 30th Apr 2004:[i]
Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A. It was dead
Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was tied to the first monkey
[hr]
Looks like the joke's on you Lord Paultoreaux!
[/i]
Q. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
A. It thought it was a game
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Manic23
- Posts: 1169
- Joined: Thu Jan 22, 2004 4:54 pm
Re:
by moonshine boy on Fri Apr 30, 2004 2:39 pm
guy walks into a bar and the barman asks
"is that a steering wheel down your pants"
Guys replys
" yes its driving me nuts"!
"is that a steering wheel down your pants"
Guys replys
" yes its driving me nuts"!
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moonshine boy
- Posts: 146
- Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2004 10:28 am
Re:
by iohannes on Fri Apr 30, 2004 2:54 pm
[s]thePontificator wrote on 14:46, 30th Apr 2004:
[s]Sleigh wrote on 11:15, 30th Apr 2004:[i]
[s]thePontificator wrote on 11:04, 30th Apr 2004:[i]
'Oh,' said the Doctor, 'well, this is a bit extreme, but, how about a blow job? That might do the trick.'
It's oral sex, you muppet.
[/i]
There's a difference? I mean, if a woman asked you for a blow job you'd say no because the terminology was wrong?
[/i]
Well, for the joke yes. Because the doctor is suggesting that the man gives the woman oral sex, not the otherway around. A blowjob implies fellatio.
[hr]
http://www.crumble.org
That is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
[s]Sleigh wrote on 11:15, 30th Apr 2004:[i]
[s]thePontificator wrote on 11:04, 30th Apr 2004:[i]
'Oh,' said the Doctor, 'well, this is a bit extreme, but, how about a blow job? That might do the trick.'
It's oral sex, you muppet.
[/i]
There's a difference? I mean, if a woman asked you for a blow job you'd say no because the terminology was wrong?
[/i]
Well, for the joke yes. Because the doctor is suggesting that the man gives the woman oral sex, not the otherway around. A blowjob implies fellatio.
[hr]
http://www.crumble.org
That is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
That is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
-
iohannes
- Posts: 567
- Joined: Tue Oct 14, 2003 11:22 pm
Re:
by Rrrr on Fri Apr 30, 2004 3:28 pm
[s]iohannes wrote on 15:54, 30th Apr 2004:
[s]thePontificator wrote on 14:46, 30th Apr 2004:[i]
[s]Sleigh wrote on 11:15, 30th Apr 2004:[i]
[s]thePontificator wrote on 11:04, 30th Apr 2004:[i]
'Oh,' said the Doctor, 'well, this is a bit extreme, but, how about a blow job? That might do the trick.'
It's oral sex, you muppet.
[/i]
There's a difference? I mean, if a woman asked you for a blow job you'd say no because the terminology was wrong?
[/i]
Well, for the joke yes. Because the doctor is suggesting that the man gives the woman oral sex, not the otherway around. A blowjob implies fellatio.
[/i]
The error does ruin the joke. ruuuuuiiiined!
[s]thePontificator wrote on 14:46, 30th Apr 2004:[i]
[s]Sleigh wrote on 11:15, 30th Apr 2004:[i]
[s]thePontificator wrote on 11:04, 30th Apr 2004:[i]
'Oh,' said the Doctor, 'well, this is a bit extreme, but, how about a blow job? That might do the trick.'
It's oral sex, you muppet.
[/i]
There's a difference? I mean, if a woman asked you for a blow job you'd say no because the terminology was wrong?
[/i]
Well, for the joke yes. Because the doctor is suggesting that the man gives the woman oral sex, not the otherway around. A blowjob implies fellatio.
[/i]
The error does ruin the joke. ruuuuuiiiined!
[b:7vpvjwv1]Splat![/b:7vpvjwv1]
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Rrrr
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29 posts
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