I get so lonely

[Guest]

I wouldn't be writing here unless I thought I had a problem. I realy want to meet some new people but I get sooo shy around almost everyone I meet. This becomes almost double around anyone of the opposite sex. I can't help but feel i'ave opened a can of worms, but any suggestions folks?

[Fionnlagh]

I was like you when I left school, and while I'm still never going to be loud, I don't really have a problem anymore.

I always found I was shy because I didn't know what to say or do, and i felt uncomfortable, nervous and out of place. I'm going to assume you're the same, and hope that it helps.

First thing I would suggest, is smile at people, particularly those you see everyday, in the corridors or kitchen-mates perhaps? If you do that, then they might well be pretty friendly to you next time. you might then find it a little less stressful

Secondly, I found that joining societies and sports was a bit daunting on my own,so if you're the same, find slightly easier things to do. I'm guessing you're first year, and so in halls. I run a charity video night on sundays in new hall, we just sit and watch movies, and i know the same is done in macintosh i think. Have a look see if there's something like that in your hall, and just go down, bite the bullet, and strike up a conversation when the dvd player breaks.

Those are things you can do, but for just general advice, don't worry about it. It's only the end of week 2, you will meet people to be friends with, and you will get more confident. And as you get more confident, it becomes so much easier. Confidence is all you need, and that will come. As someone who went through the same thing, I guarentee it.

And if you learn how not to be shy around certain members of the opposite sex, I'll want to hear from you.

hope i helped
[edited cos i pressed post too soon]

[munchingfoo]

Are you a first year? Do you want an academic parent to show you a few things? If so we could get together and have a few drinks and stuff. Pretty much the only requirement to fit in with my mates is drinking. We are a bit of a mixed bag.

If you are up for it give me an e-mail by clicking on my name.

[novium]

On a similar subject, does anyone have any advice on clique breaking? I'm always hanging out with the same group of people! We're having fun and all, but it seems sort of silly to come how ever many thousands of miles to only hang out with people from my home university system. I don't want to break up OUR clique, but it seems that whenever I go somewhere, everyone else is in their own cliques. So is there good place to meet people when they aren't all broken up into the same old groups?

[Guest]

I'm also a first year and can say I'm in exactly the same situation as you so you're not alone!

To be honest I thought coming to uni would change things, that I could be more outgoing and all my shyness would disappear, but now I know it's never going to be as easy as that.

Although I have made friends, I still have the problem of not knowing what to say, worrying WAY too much about making a fool of myself etc. Sometimes I actually feel I do belong here and love it, but other times I could be sitting in a room full of people and still feel lonely. It just doesn't come naturally to me, I so wish I could be louder and be less self-consicous. grrr. Even in tutorials (although I've only had a couple) I feel really shy and let everybody else take over.

The only answer I have at the moment is to have more than a few alcoholic drinks (obviously only works if you're in a pub or party). But yeah I know that's not the best of ideas. However it does bring the more 'extrovert me' out, like I would only get up and dance if I was drunk. I don't think my tutor would be happy if I turned up drunk to tutorials, *sigh*.

Anyway where was I? Yeah, I probably haven't been any use to you, apart from I know how you feel.

[Cain]

bring cliques together.

i assume you're in a hall of residence, so there should be communal areas where you can do this, or just be different for a mealtime and sit with other people.

[hr]
It's now who you know, it's who who you know knows

[Chain Mailer]

If you know just one person then just go out with them and drink.... and drink.... and drink.... then you'll definitly meet new people


[hr]
The Best way to change someones mind is with a rock

[franklyscallop]

Don't worry about being lonely - just relax and I'm sure you'll make friends. I'm really shy sometimes, and was even worse at school - but university is great for meeting people you can really click with. Societies can be scary to join on your own, but I turned up once to one and met a future flatmate. Sometimes it takes a while to get to know people too - people you don't like when you first meet turn out to be great.

[hr]'And I just wanna beeeeee ALIVE'

[novium]

[s]Cain wrote on 15:51, 9th Oct 2004:
bring cliques together.

i assume you're in a hall of residence, so there should be communal areas where you can do this, or just be different for a mealtime and sit with other people.

[hr]
It's now who you know, it's who who you know knows




Unfortunately, I'm in DRA, so that isn't quite as easy as it seems:)

[Cain]

[s]novium wrote on 01:51, 10th Oct 2004:
Unfortunately, I'm in DRA, so that isn't quite as easy as it seems:)


true, some places are more conducive to communal spirit than others.

but holding a block party might be good for that, or banging on doors to say "hello"


[hr]
It's now who you know, it's who who you know knows

[rhody]

A couple of things I learned when I started Uni may help you here. First, there are lots of people of the opposite sex feeling exactly the same way. Many of the people who seem to be ignoring you are actually just as shy as you are! Second, it porbably looks to you like everyone else is cool and confident and you're the only one finding it hard. This is quite untrue - it's just that many people are able to feign confidence and/or gain it artificially by forming cliques early on. Be true to yourself, and find friends you really like, people yuou can relax with. You sound like a very genuine person - and brave, too, to post your worry so openly.
On a more practical level, I'd suggest biting the bullet and trying a few societies. Some are cliquey but others welcome newcomers with open arms. Don't be put of if one attempt leaves you feeling rejected; think "screw them" and try another society next time. Tree and Frog (conservation) are small and friendly; Celtic gives you the chance to dance with strangers while learning ceildih dances (some are easy and the harder ones are good conversation starters!), and Breakaway walks always have a high number of people who come along not knowing anyone beforehand.
Starting Uni can be hard, and it's made harder by the false perception that everyone else is having such a good time and finding it so easy. I was just like you when I started; the number of replies your message has attracted shows that many others were too. Think of now as a time to learn about who you are and work at making friends, don't worry if you're not enjoying it all the time, and soon you'll find that life is getting better. I wish you well.
R.

[Guest]

I'm a FOURTH year student and have never ever made any friends..i'm still struggling in the starting blocks and it feels like i've gained nothing because of it! all i do is work work work..i work so hard that sometimes it all falls flat on my face. i want to go out, but i don't know where to go, let alone how to socially interact with people. all this is natural for a first year student, but i'm a FOURTH year - i feel soemthing's wrong with me

[SLH]

Re: original poster

I was the same in first year too and I agree with what other people have said above, it's good advice. Also, even if you don't say much people like a good listener.


[s]Unregisted User wrote on 03:50, 10th Oct 2004:
I'm a FOURTH year student and have never ever made any friends... i feel soemthing's wrong with me


There's nothing wrong with you, I'm still like that sometimes but I know that if I stay in and worry about it then it won't get any better. Do you live with other people in halls or in a flat? You could try making friends with them as you don't have to go out and meet them so it's less confrontational. Or people in class? Try and follow some of the advice above maybe but most of all don't beat yourself up about it 'cos it just makes it worse. It takes time to make really good friends.

[anotherStudentAmongstTheC]

Thanks all for the good advice. It is much appreciated. I guess there's no time like the present.

[Guest]

Yeah, I hear ya. My Uni. back home is an all girls Uni. Now that I'm here, I find it difficult to become friends with the opposite sex in my courses. The guys are very nice, but I get so intimidated when I'm around them. Still trying to get over that!

[rob 'f*ck off' wine boy]

[s]Unregisted User wrote on 01:23, 8th Oct 2004:
I wouldn't be writing here unless I thought I had a problem. I realy want to meet some new people but I get sooo shy around almost everyone I meet. This becomes almost double around anyone of the opposite sex. I can't help but feel i'ave opened a can of worms, but any suggestions folks?



Hey, I wouldn't get too het up about this, I've had a lot of people who aren't at all shy complain that the social scene here is a little difficult to break into. People you'll get along with you'll get along with - do what you want, etc, and you'll meet people with shared interests and so on. Oh, and the smiling thing does work - don't worry about those who don't smile back, they're just wondering why the hell you're so happy, which I find fun. Perhaps I'm just strange. :S
Feel free to send an email, St.Andrews is a big bundle of love and happiness once you get past the steely outer surface. Or something.

[MadDog20/20]

Yeah dont worry. I used to be super shy, in the last few years I have had a lot of good luck and met some cool cool people and now my confidence is up and basically everything kicks ass. But I still have down days too! And the thing about not knowing what to say to cute people of the other sex, well I'm afraid that will never go away.

Heres my suggestion. Start small. Join a society. A lot of societies are full of tossers so if it doesnt work out leave and find another one. Sports clubs are generally more friendly in my experience, particulalry minority sports.

So when you have joined your new society and are going along to the pub, try to talk. An easy way to do this is to show genuine interest in your companions backgrounds by asking them questions AND LISTENING CAREFULLY TO WHAT THEY SAY. Then interject with your own stories when you realise you have something in common. The key is to keep talking (with relevant and interesting stories)so that people think you are fun and interesting to have around. They'll invite you out again and soon you will be out every night and never look back!

Basically you want to avoid being quiet and letting everyone elses momentum pull you along (it is easy to take a back seat if there are some loud people in the group). You can concentrate on just building up new friendships just now and worry about sex and relationships down the line once you have built up some confidence.

Good luck!