Confession

[Guest]

A close male friend/boyfriend (ambiguous territory) just admitted to me that he had slept with a prostitute. He threw it into conversation as though it were nothing. When I told him I was horrified he said that I didn't understand. I said I had a dim view of men who slept with prostitues and he said that she was a cheap slut anyway - which made me even more angry at him. He didn't get it but I can't stop thinking of the poor woman. he says he did it because he's insecure and needs practise and that most m,en think that it is ok and I was being an unreasonable bitch.

When i started to cry he said I was a slut too and that I had no right to judge him then stormed off. Is he right? Is there a point I am missing? I did really like/have feelings for this guy. The issue is also clouded buy the fact that he has leant me money when iv'e been in shit and expects me to sleep- with him - something I would have done willingly before. god this is so confusing and awful. Am I over reacting?

[DrAlex]

Seems to me that if you really like him, you could get off your pedestal and forgive the fact that he's done something in his past that you don't agree with.

[hr]

"Listen to DrAlex."-Polli
http://standrews.facebook.com/profile.php?id=37100343

[Rilla]

Quoting DrAlex from 10:58, 2nd Dec 2006
Seems to me that if you really like him, you could get off your pedestal and forgive the fact that he's done something in his past that you don't agree with.

But the point is that he's not looking for forgiveness - he doesn't think he's done anything wrong.
Anyone that calls you an unreasonable bitch and a slut is not someone you should be spending time with, I think.

Most decent guys I know would never do anything of this sort.

No, you're not overreacting.

[hr]

Be good to yourself because nobody else has the power to make you happy.

[The Bitter Historian]

You're not over-reacting. If you disagree with something in his past, that's understandable. However, the way he spoke to you afterwards is completely unacceptable. No one should *expect* you to sleep with them for the lending of money. Calling you an 'unreasonable bitch' just adds to the feeling that this guy is someone who, basically, has no respect for women.

Back away from him. He's not worth it.

[hr]

http://bitterhistorian.blogspot.com

Life. St Andrews. Budgeting. Some history. Mostly bitterness.

[DrAlex]

Am I the only one who thought this tale screamed out "one side of the story"?

Let my clear up my point of view. First, I doubt very much that you just started sheding a few tears and he immediately called you a whore and stormed out. Indeed, the fact that he called you on judging him hints that you said something to, how can I put this, judge him.

Second, I repeat what I said before, if you really like him, then something in his past that is against his morals shouldn't bother you that much, whether he is sorry or not. For instance, I'm am friends with a lot of vegetarians who find my membership to a shooting club and my stance on animal testing pretty reprehensible, but I respect their stance and they respect mine and that is that.

Third, I'm highly suspect about your claim that he's given you money expecting sex. You can't just say that as an aside and expect us to believe it for the same reason as my first point.

I'm not saying you should stay with him, I'm not saying dump him: I reserve judgement because I don't think we're getting the whole story. Elaborate please.

[hr]

"Listen to DrAlex."-Polli
http://standrews.facebook.com/profile.php?id=37100343

[Thalia]

Well, if you do manage to sort this out with him and you do still want to sleep with him, then i'd ask him to go get screened first. If he refuses then you will know that he has no respect for you.

It doesn't sound like he does have much respect for women in general, but as Alex has said, this sounds a bit one sided - i mean, if he was as much of a chauvanistic wanker as it sounds here then surely you would have noticed it before?

[hr]

The shadow proves the sunshine...

...And I am a Sinner Goddess.

[Rufus]

Quoting from 23:17, 1st Dec 2006
He didn't get it but I can't stop thinking of the poor woman. he says he did it because he's insecure and needs practise and that most m,en think that it is ok and I was being an unreasonable bitch.

Well, I'm female, and I think you're being unreasonable. Why can't you stop thinking about the 'poor woman'? This statement will sound gauche, but using a prostitute is hardly a monumental sin.

You say you take a 'dim view' of men who sleep with prostitutes, why? It's a business transaction and, yes, there's the trafficking underbelly and tacky tang to it all, but some women and men actually choose to enter prostitution for the financial gain. I'm not really making a particularly valid point here, but your friend said he went to the prostitute to gain experience- would you have judged him more if he had put it about to gain this experience rather than paying for it? Better to make an honest purchase of sex if you want experience, rather than begin a relentless merry-go-round of potentially emotional one night stands, no?

As for your friend calling you a slut and so on, very ungentlemanly but then again could just be a throwaway comment to appease your disgust. When I come up against people who show flagrant disapproval at something I've done, I tend to resort to insulting them as well- it's childish but satisfying.

His anger is also probably a result of you judging him when he cares about your opinion.

[Guest]

I did tell him I found his behaviour apalling and reprehensible and that to pay for sex was exploitative, pathetic and pointless. This was when he got angry with me. Still, wouldn't other girls have said something like this to a guy who dropped this into conversation?

Plus, if he repented it would be better. he just says it was a great experience and doesn't regret it.

[DrAlex]

Quoting Rufus from 16:46, 2nd Dec 2006
His anger is also probably a result of you judging him when he cares about your opinion.

Indeed; reminds me of a time when I told a girl that she wouldn't look good with the nose-piercing she was considering. She got very upset with me, not because she was insulted, but because my opinion mattered to her and it was contrary to hers.

For interested parties, she went through with it (slightly out of spite) and later admitted I was right. Moral? Check the signature.

[hr]

"Listen to DrAlex."-Polli
http://standrews.facebook.com/profile.php?id=37100343

[Lyra]

I'm female, and I agree with Rufus, my instinct is that you overreacted. The fact that he told you at all suggests that it's not something he's entirely proud of, especially if he 'just threw it into conversation as though it were nothing.' (The way most big confessions are made in my experience ...)

It sounds to me as though you've got really strong feelings about this subject, and at the end of the day it's about whether you can deal with his past or not.

I think you really need to think about what you want here. If it completely changes you're feelings for him, then tell him so, pay him back the money he lent you as soon as you can (if you haven't already) and move on.

[hr]

The Man With No Name - Danger fits him like a tight black glove

[Thalia]

I think i'd be rather surprised but i wouldn't launch into a full on rant at him - there's nothing he can do about it now, so why condemn him?

We all do stupid things and i know that if someone said that something i had done was reprehensible after i had confessed it to them, my first reaction would be to defend what i'd done, whether i believed it or not. Just because their reaction would have pissed me off.

[hr]

The shadow proves the sunshine...

...And I am a Sinner Goddess.

[Senethro]

Have people missed the part where he was expecting sexual relations for money?

I think this guy likely has a warped worldview and although her overreaction to him didn't help or achieve anything, I think it better not associate with him anymore.[img]littleicons/paper1.gif[/img]

[munchingfoo]

Quoting Senethro from 21:40, 2nd Dec 2006
Have people missed the part where he was expecting sexual relations for money?

I think this guy likely has a warped worldview and although her overreaction to him didn't help or achieve anything, I think it better not associate with him anymore.[img]littleicons/paper1.gif[/img]

Senethro is a tumble drier

[hr]

Tired Freudian references aside - your mother played my mighty skin flute like a surf crowned sea nymph trying to rouse Poseidon from his watery slumber!

[rob 'f*ck off' wine boy]

Senethro is an audio conferencing system.

[Rufus]

Quoting Senethro from 21:40, 2nd Dec 2006
Have people missed the part where he was expecting sexual relations for money?

I think this guy likely has a warped worldview and although her overreaction to him didn't help or achieve anything, I think it better not associate with him anymore.[img]littleicons/paper1.gif[/img]

Nah, I noticed it and thought it likely she'd taken a joke he'd made a little too seriously.

Use of the word 'repented' in follow-up post strengthens my (terrible) assumption.

[Senethro]

v[img]littleicons/yellowsadface.gif[/img]v

[straightguy]

It's a bit of a weird topic to suddenly drop into conversation!

Prostitution is not exactly acceptable to the majority of people in our society. If it was we would have loads of people admitting to paying for it. What did he think your reaction would be? Did he think you would stroke his ego with positive comments about his sexual ability and commitment to pleasuring his lucky partners! Anyway he wasn't confessing, he was bragging or trying to get a reaction.

You are entitled to your opinion about prostitution, and he is entitled to his. However, i think this man shows disrespect for women in general.

i.e. calling the prostitute a cheap slut, calling you an unreasonable bitch, calling you a slut, and last-but-not-least *expecting* sexual favours for loaning you money.

You are not over reacting. If i were you i would clear my debts to this man (money not sex!) and not be with him again. It is a shame but you two are obviously not suited to each other and you should not abandon your standards/morals (whatever) just because you really like him. You might just realise that you don't actually like this guy at all - now that you really know him.

[the racing tortoise]

Quoting straightguy from 04:33, 3rd Dec 2006
It's a bit of a weird topic to suddenly drop into conversation!

Prostitution is not exactly acceptable to the majority of people in our society. If it was we would have loads of people admitting to paying for it. What did he think your reaction would be? Did he think you would stroke his ego with positive comments about his sexual ability and commitment to pleasuring his lucky partners! Anyway he wasn't confessing, he was bragging or trying to get a reaction.

You are entitled to your opinion about prostitution, and he is entitled to his. However, i think this man shows disrespect for women in general.

i.e. calling the prostitute a cheap slut, calling you an unreasonable bitch, calling you a slut, and last-but-not-least *expecting* sexual favours for loaning you money.

You are not over reacting. If i were you i would clear my debts to this man (money not sex!) and not be with him again. It is a shame but you two are obviously not suited to each other and you should not abandon your standards/morals (whatever) just because you really like him. You might just realise that you don't actually like this guy at all - now that you really know him.

I wouldn't think that he was bragging simply because he must have known something about how you would react, if he does actually know you. Your reaction sounds like it was a little more hostile than he expected, which would be very upsetting if you matter to him. as for his words to you, if you have given him the opinion that you would be prepared to sleep with him for lending you money, then I can see why he would think you are being unreasonable, and he maybe sees you as a bit of a slut.(disclaimer: I doupt you are but you may have given him a bit of a squewed perspective on you) note that this does not mean he doesn't like you (even a little more because of it), just that you are confusing him a little, especially if he is quite insecure. as for him expecting sexual favors, I severely doupt that he was actually expecting anything. I have jokeingly asked to be repaid with sexual favors before, and that was to another straight guy.

[hr]

A fish swims into a wall and says "DAM"

[angel_kohaku]

the racing tortoise has a squeed perspective. lol.

Sorry.

Ok, I too am I girl and I don't think it's reprehensible or immoral.

Question I have to ask is... "ambiguous territory"... ? Is he your boyfriend or isn't he? Just have to ask, because then that depends on how justified your reaction is.

[hr]

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers

[flossy]

Perhaps he's not expecting sexual favours on the basis of having lent you money but moreso on the basis that you've had casual sex with him before? He may think the money doesn't matter in that respect - a mature attitude!

[hr]

Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?