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[Nymphomanic]

I don't quite know where to start - but here goes

My parents have never had an ideal relationship and are now breaking up. My Mother is very upset/hurt and has asked me to let her share a flat with me in St Andrews from when my lease runs out this summer through nxt year, basically till I graduate - because she wants to live with some one she knows and loves and feels very unhappy.

I totally understand it's difficult for her - and I love her a lot and she is very vulnerable and I do worry about her so much - but (this may seem selfish) - I think having a parent living with me would really screw things up (academically and socially).

Is this very mean? God - I feel so horrible and I don't know if I'm being immature about the who9le thing - just that I feel I've taken so long to get to where I'm at and now it will be destroyed.

She thjinks that as I have had problems we can be 'muually supportive of one another' but I feel this is the last thing I need.

[hr]

I read most of the night and go south in winter - wasteland

[Lovely Goat]

I think I might understand your situation quite well, as I'm in a similar one myself.

Your concern for your mother is admirable, and it's absolutely totally understandable that you want to support her and look after her so much. However, I think most people would say that it's vital that you look after yourself, too. I think this is possibly one of the rare situations in life where it's important to put your own needs ahead of someone else's. If you personally had never had any particular problems, and living with your mother would be merely an inconvenience, then it might be a different matter. However, if you feel living with her would worsen or bring back the problems, I think I would say, strongly, don't do it.

A separation is one of the hardest things a family can go through, and you'll have your own issues with it, without your mother's being added to those. My own mother talks to me as her main confidante about such things, and for me at least, it's way too much - I'd like to get my own thoughts sorted first. If you need your emotional energy for yourself, it's simply not possible to give a great deal of it to someone else and remain healthy.

Of course your mother is currently very low and vulnerable, and if you're close it's not surprising she wants to lean on you. If she loves you, though, I imagine that she would be horrified if she thought she was doing you any harm. I don't know your mother, but it's also possible that at a time when she was functioning better, she would realise that this arrangement may not be best for you.

Remember, however close you are to your parents, even if you feel you have obligations to take some care of them, you are absolutely not required to put their well-being ahead of your own, and I'm sure that your mother in good health would say the same. You're absolutely not being mean or immature!

My suggestions for dealing with the situation would be, talk gently with your mother, emphasise how much you love her and how important she is to you, and tell her that the situation of their break-up is hard for you, too, which means that you might need some space from it in order to successfully complete your degree. Encourage her to see/talk to friends, be positive about her life and future, the qualities and abilities she has, and her opportunities.

If she doesn't take it very well at first, please don't worry, it's not your fault. You said yourself she's upset and vulnerable. With time and/or more emotional strength, she'll understand and be able to see your needs as well as her own. And it doesn't make you a bad person!

Sorry if this was a bit long...
All the very best.

[Rufus]

Difficult situation!

Sounds to me like your Mum is angling to recapture her youth by living with you while you're at uni. This could end disastrously for you both - she needs to sort out her own life rather than encroach upon (and live vicariously through) your's, and you need your own space.

No matter how vulnerable your Mum is, I'm sure she has a support network of family and friends at home and, as the previous post said, you should not be expected to be the only person burdened with your Mum's problems. If she came to live with you you would undoubtedly become her emotional crutch and that it too much to ask of you in your final year.

There is nothing selfish about you telling your Mum this plan just ain't feasible; it doesn't stop you loving or caring about her, and hopefully this idea of her's has just been borne out of a current fuzziness of thinking.

Hope it all works out.

[seisachtheia]

having seen your other posts on this board, I would suggest that you go with your mother on this one, at least for a short time. A trial basis, if you will.

Yes, there is a time to leave the nest and all that, but think of this as a time to return the favor of her taking care of you as a kid.

[hr]

I can't forget you but I can't remember

[Thalia]

If she is determined to move to the area to be near you, then why not suggest that she does so but rents her own place, either in st andrews or somewhere nearby? Then you would see each other regularly but wouldn't be encroaching on each other's space.

You should encourage her to take up a new activity of some kind, something that forces her to get out of the house and allows her to make new friends and forget about her problems for a while. Perhaps if she starts to get her life back on track a bit then she may reconsider living with you.

[hr]

You've been nothing but an angel every day of your life and now you wonder what it's like to be damned...