Friends/exes

[box_of_delights]

I'm not usually one for talking about matters of the heart, so forgive me for filling this thread with blancmangey rubbish!! I'm not so much looking for advice, just reassurance or clarification on an issue:

I broke up with my other half four weeks ago. I instigated the actual "let's end it" conversation, but it was he who was doing the whole silent treatment for the few days leading up to it and claimed he was contemplating our future and whether we would ever get to live near to each other (we were conducting the relationship with a distance of about 150 miles at the time). I was partly annoyed and upset that he was choosing to be off and quiet instead of talking to me, and also weighing up the chances of me ever moving back home again to live, which is where he is still based. The long and short of it was that I said we shouldn't prolong the inevitable and just end it now, rather than in a few months when I could have found out I'd be living even farther away.

Anyway, the next day he contacted me and asked if I was still certain. I said yes and stuck by my gut instinct. In the week that followed I "fooled around" with a friend one night (partly as a "recovery" mechanism to get over my ex, if that makes any sense) and it hit home just now much I would miss him and I severely doubted my decision. I contacted him the next day to say I was having second thoughts and that I wanted to give it a second chance, but he wasn't open to talking or discussing the idea. The next few days he would text me every so often to ask what I was upto. I told him I'd rather not have a "chatty" relationship for a while because it was still too soon, and that neither of us would get over it if we kept in touh so frequently.

The following week he text me again, and in my nostalgic mood I debated with him again the idea of us getting back together. He still didn't want to know and was adamant he didn't want to. I suggested we just break contact for a while. That weekend he phoned me drunk and said he wanted to get back with me. When he later found out I had been out that night and pulled a friend he ignored me and didn't want to know. I tried reasoning with him by saying that we had been broken up for over a fortnight and that he had made it clear on several occasions that us getting back wasn't an option. In addition, I also pointed out to him that the first time we had gone out together, almost three years ago, he had cheated on me with his ex and ended the relationship to move in with him - the reasoning being that I had technically done nothing wrong because we were both single.

He ignored me for a few days, until the end of the following week he (claims) soberly phoned me saying he had thought long and hard about it and wanted to give us another go. It was fine for a day, but then he started getting all quiet and "off" again. When I probed further he said it was going to take him time to get used to the idea of us going out again, knowing that I had been with someone else in the meantime. Fair enough I thought... but he then ignored all my calls and texts. Two days later he text me to say he was sorry for messing me around but he couldn't make it work. End of the whole saga I would have hoped.

A couple of weeks ago, after the initial break up, I contacted a mutual friend of ours from back home, to whom my ex has lately become very close, but who has also been a good friend of mine for a couple of years. He ignored my text and I didn't hear anything back at all. I contacted him again today and had a very curt "my phone's playing up" text back from him, followed by one sentence replies to questions I asked when trying to make conversation. When I said I was getting the hint that he didn't want to talk to me he said "good". And when I said I was surprised he would take sides over the break up issue he replied that "it wasn't a hard side to choose!"

Now I assume that part of his unpleasantness is due to the fact that I made it known to my ex in the past that I was envious of their friendship and was sometimes a bit peeved off that they would often stay over together at each others' houses even though they only live a few streets away. This was further heightened by the fact that my ex's mum didn't want me, the partner, to stay over, but would let the friend stay no problem. My ex always dismissed any worries I had and once even told me not to mention it again.

Now that I have seemingly lost two people who were, if nothing else, good friends, does it seem from the above as if I was out of line or just unlucky?

[househunter]

I'm not reading that.

[fluffy]

hello box of delights. i hope life is treating you well. i think it got complicated because neither of you were sure what you wanted, and he was obviously hurt by you fooling around with someone else. despite him saying you could not sort it out, the fact that you were with someone else made it concrete that it was over, and so hurt him. i think you have to make the break completely, because it hurts so much more when it's dragged out. but you didn't do anything wrong intentionally. don't worry, sweetheart, things will get better.

[hr]

dev ksereis, alla eimai trella erotebmevei mazi sou..

[Hennessy]

= epic fail

[hr]

"What happened to Spoon?"
"There is no Spoon"
Dog Soldiers

[Tigger]

dear box of delights.
I have been through something eqally messy, and i want to play devils advocate for a while so bear with me.
Me and my ex were together for a while, and after we broke up, there was a bit of will we or wont we. (I ended the relationship, not becuase i didnt care, just cos she didnt seem happy, and thought it best for her to sort herself out, and that i wasnt helping)
after a couple of getting over her relationships, and a fair amount of sould searching, we ended up faling out, pretty much in the way you two did, the stopping speaking etc.
anyways, about a year later we saw each other at a grad ball, had a hug, and sorted things out in the way as kind of made friends again, which made me so happy, as when we were together, she was my best friend. we met up for coffee a couple of times, had chats, etc. me, being silly took this as a possibility for reconcilitation, and scared her into cutting all contact. this was probably the best thing that ever happened to me, even though it hurt like hell for ages. i managed to get my life back on track, and as such, am about to finish my degree, and am genuinely a pretty nice guy and a balanced individual.
you need to cut all ties. this will help you deal, give him the oppurtunity to move on properly, and give yourself the break from the guaranteed animosity that will occur.
its terrible to say, but i honestly believe that if you dont, this is going to become very messy. Youll be fine soon, and so will he. and it might not be a full closure of contact, but it needs to be short term.
ps...
you did nothing wrong as far as a i can see, so dont beat yourself up about it.
x

[hr]

My Wings Are Like A Shield of Steel...
(Claire Raynor)

[box_of_delights]

Thanks for the replies guys. I've deleted my original post because it was more a forum for me to vent my feelings. But now I feel I'm putting it behind me.