Am I safe to go to London next Tuesday

[Jing]

Hello, I'm from China. I have to go to london to extend my passport next Tuesday. Since there are riots happening in London, Am I safe to go to London next week?

[Hennessy]

Best to start out on the edge of London, somewhere remote like Watford and just start digging. Dig until you're about 20 feet down - get out a compass and an OS map and check your position. You're aiming for Leicester Square - bang in the heart of London, the People's Republic has an enclave there where you should be safe.

It's going to be a long slog so bring some supplies - few torches, food supplies, a couple of hundred of your compatriots to do the digging, maybe a cheap DVD player and a worn copy of "The East is Red" so your guys won't burn out too quickly - make SURE when you hit the location it's early morning - not too early because they'll still be prowling around drinking stolen Lambrini, and not too late so it's rush hour and you get a black cab to the face as soon as you surface.

If you're in Trafalgar Square you done fucked up - remember the student riots? No way is a man with an East Asian complexion going to survive such brutal carnage in such a large central square- who knows what could happen! Same for anywhere else in London - if you end up in Croydon you might as well shoot yourself in the head - I would if I found myself there.