Is this REALLY the only way?

[Guesty]

So I see a lot of posts here for meeting people. It seems that it is truly the best way to get to know someone and I am wondering why that is. I am wondering if I too should give in to this method or if I should keep on waiting for someone to at least strike up a conversation. I am a postgrad and well, I feel that my time is quite limited and would very much enjoy an interaction of sorts. My friends say I've only been here 3 months so I should give it time but honestly, how much time should I let pass by?

[line13]

I'm not convinced that this is the best way to get to know someone but it certainly is one way to do it. The reason perhaps is that it is fairly safe in that you can exchange details and then chat/email/whatever without the risks that come with a standard social interaction. eg. You don't have to make an approach and risk rejection (or reject someone), you have time to pick your conversation carefully etc. There is also the fact that you can pick up and drop the conversation when it is convenient to your schedule. The downside is that a lot of people think of it as a last resort for desperate people who lack the social skills to perform in a face to face interaction.

If people aren't striking up conversation then it's quite likely because you don't stand out enough. It can be anything from the way you dress to just looking like a fun person to be around. As for how long to wait...the answer to that would be how long do you want to stay in the same situation? If you want to change things, start now.

[bored]

Hey I am in the same boat. 3 months into PhD and looking for someone...

[Guesty]

I'm not convinced that this is the best way to get to know someone but it certainly is one way to do it. The reason perhaps is that it is fairly safe in that you can exchange details and then chat/email/whatever without the risks that come with a standard social interaction. eg. You don't have to make an approach and risk rejection (or reject someone), you have time to pick your conversation carefully etc. There is also the fact that you can pick up and drop the conversation when it is convenient to your schedule. The downside is that a lot of people think of it as a last resort for desperate people who lack the social skills to perform in a face to face interaction.

If people aren't striking up conversation then it's quite likely because you don't stand out enough. It can be anything from the way you dress to just looking like a fun person to be around. As for how long to wait...the answer to that would be how long do you want to stay in the same situation? If you want to change things, start now.

I quite understand what you mean about the convenience of meeting someone through this. Still, it takes away a lot of the mystery that meeting someone randomly grants.

Now if no one is striking up conversations with me because I am not wearing a particular outfit then maybe I am better off. Also, what constitutes a "fun person to be around"? Specially when someone's personality comes after getting to know them not necessarily what one initially observes them to be. Honestly, I don't want to be a clown either but that doesn't mean I am incapable of having fun.


I suppose I will hold out a bit more since I am not quite ready to settle or change my wardrobe to find a cute guy to make-out with.

[line13]

I'm not convinced that this is the best way to get to know someone but it certainly is one way to do it. The reason perhaps is that it is fairly safe in that you can exchange details and then chat/email/whatever without the risks that come with a standard social interaction. eg. You don't have to make an approach and risk rejection (or reject someone), you have time to pick your conversation carefully etc. There is also the fact that you can pick up and drop the conversation when it is convenient to your schedule. The downside is that a lot of people think of it as a last resort for desperate people who lack the social skills to perform in a face to face interaction.

If people aren't striking up conversation then it's quite likely because you don't stand out enough. It can be anything from the way you dress to just looking like a fun person to be around. As for how long to wait...the answer to that would be how long do you want to stay in the same situation? If you want to change things, start now.

I quite understand what you mean about the convenience of meeting someone through this. Still, it takes away a lot of the mystery that meeting someone randomly grants.

Now if no one is striking up conversations with me because I am not wearing a particular outfit then maybe I am better off. Also, what constitutes a "fun person to be around"? Specially when someone's personality comes after getting to know them not necessarily what one initially observes them to be. Honestly, I don't want to be a clown either but that doesn't mean I am incapable of having fun.


I suppose I will hold out a bit more since I am not quite ready to settle or change my wardrobe to find a cute guy to make-out with.

I wouldn't say it takes away any more of the mystery than meeting someone randomly in a bar or club. We've probably already had a longer conversation than you will with the next random guy that you pass and yet you know more about him just from what you can pick up visually than you do about me. ie The way he dresses will give you a hint at his sense of style and how much attention he pays to detail etc.

My point wasn't that what you are wearing is wrong. I often see people within groups dressing or rocking a look similar to their friends. The first thing I think is that one of them has the personality and spark and the others have followed in an effort to fit in. It's not always this way but it's a lot more common than you might think. Average guys probably won't care too much, a guy who is on the lookout for someone a bit special will notice it. If you have to be part of the crowd but want to be noticed then you need a little something extra to catch the eye and show you are worth chasing.

A fun person to be around is someone with energy, creativity, excitement and a touch of mystery. It should take less than two minutes to tell if an approaching stranger has enough of those qualities. Dull people tend to interview you right after they approach. Name, age, what you study etc. etc. Fun people tend to be a lot more engaging. You can often also spot insecurities from body language. Lack of energy, poor posture, looking nervous etc. The body gives so much away before people even open their mouths.

I get that you don't want to be a clown but what's your idea of fun?

[Communist]

So in a nutshell, you suggest that we should pick our interlocutors based on visual appearance, assuming that fun and interesting people to meet will give of an air or style thereof?

I find that a very superficial approach to other people. What about the person who cannot afford something to stick out of the masses and look interesting, what about the person who deliberately chooses not to be reduced to their physical appearance or the person who is lacking posture and energy due to some other reasons than being 'dull'?

Why would we want to fall for lookism and see social interaction as some kind of competition to 'look more interesting than the rest', just because we have a need for interaction and meeting someone. Why would we implicitly want to punish people, who simply cannot follow the mainstream normativity of individuality and uniqueness or people who -for whatever reason- are prone to peer-pressure.

If the price for meeting new people is to trim oneself into some kind of human commodity to raise ones social exchange value, I would much rather go for a message board, where I can be sure that people will not judge me according to their prejudices.

[Guesty]

So in a nutshell, you suggest that we should pick our interlocutors based on visual appearance, assuming that fun and interesting people to meet will give of an air or style thereof?

I find that a very superficial approach to other people. What about the person who cannot afford something to stick out of the masses and look interesting, what about the person who deliberately chooses not to be reduced to their physical appearance or the person who is lacking posture and energy due to some other reasons than being 'dull'?

Why would we want to fall for lookism and see social interaction as some kind of competition to 'look more interesting than the rest', just because we have a need for interaction and meeting someone. Why would we implicitly want to punish people, who simply cannot follow the mainstream normativity of individuality and uniqueness or people who -for whatever reason- are prone to peer-pressure.

If the price for meeting new people is to trim oneself into some kind of human commodity to raise ones social exchange value, I would much rather go for a message board, where I can be sure that people will not judge me according to their prejudices.

^Omg, thank you so much. You basically said everything I wanted to say except I didn't because sometimes people are quite set in their ways and I am not here to propose new ways of thinking about people and things; I rather wait and discover the few who do than try to convince those that don't. Specially at this level. University level that is.

oh, you also said it way better than I would have. I was thinking along the lines of "/shrug."

My idea of fun is quite varied, line13... but it doesn't include competing with others. I suppose whoever wants to know will have to talk to me one day

[Hennessy]

"waiting for someone to at least strike up a conversation"

All your problems are contained in those 10 words. It's actually very arrogant, when you think about it, to wait for others to talk to you first. It assumes first of all that nobody is worth your time, secondly that people can read your mind and see you want to talk and thirdly that somehow you'll look "interesting" enough to talk to in the first place.

Here's a protip: Sitting there makes you look aloof, unengaged, uninterested and no fun. The onus is on you to strike up a conversation if you're on your own. Often it doesn't even matter what you talk about, so long as your manner is interested and engaging most people will react likewise. We're very social beings by nature (or at least most people are), so if while you talk to someone you imitate their body language it shows you're interested in them. You'll find after as little as 10 minutes (if you're having a really engaging conversation) that body language has synced.

Small talk itself is hardly a chore. There's easy things everyone asks. Name,Origin, Purpose and some vignettes dispersed in between "Oh you're from Germany! I've always wanted to go to Hamburg. I saw it on that BBC4 documentary, do you watch iplayer?" That actually led to an hour long conversation where we ended up talking about breeds of dog ffs.
Not hard. Seriously guys, I'm sick of the same "how do I talk to people" threads. This should be a module for all first year students to prevent those awful stick-in-the-mud people who sit there pouting and trying to "look interesting". How do you even "look interesting". Wear a funny hat or vintage clothing? Makes you look more remote, not "interesting".

[Guesty]

"waiting for someone to at least strike up a conversation"

All your problems are contained in those 10 words. It's actually very arrogant, when you think about it, to wait for others to talk to you first. It assumes first of all that nobody is worth your time, secondly that people can read your mind and see you want to talk and thirdly that somehow you'll look "interesting" enough to talk to in the first place.

Here's a protip: Sitting there makes you look aloof, unengaged, uninterested and no fun. The onus is on you to strike up a conversation if you're on your own. Often it doesn't even matter what you talk about, so long as your manner is interested and engaging most people will react likewise. We're very social beings by nature (or at least most people are), so if while you talk to someone you imitate their body language it shows you're interested in them. You'll find after as little as 10 minutes (if you're having a really engaging conversation) that body language has synced.

Small talk itself is hardly a chore. There's easy things everyone asks. Name,Origin, Purpose and some vignettes dispersed in between "Oh you're from Germany! I've always wanted to go to Hamburg. I saw it on that BBC4 documentary, do you watch iplayer?" That actually led to an hour long conversation where we ended up talking about breeds of dog ffs.
Not hard. Seriously guys, I'm sick of the same "how do I talk to people" threads. This should be a module for all first year students to prevent those awful stick-in-the-mud people who sit there pouting and trying to "look interesting". How do you even "look interesting". Wear a funny hat or vintage clothing? Makes you look more remote, not "interesting".

It's amazing to me that you've been able to twist what is a sincere introversion into a self-centered personality flaw.
It also seems that your analysis comes with the desire to be right and therefore I wont really attempt to convince you of anything.

Again, I am not vying for anyone's eye so I am not sure what your "pouting and trying to 'look interesting'" reference is about but I do think that if you think that anyone who doesn't make an attempt is arrogant, then you're going to miss out on a lot of wonderful people who perhaps find it hard to begin conversations but aren't really saying to themselves "I am better than them all". I'm sure the same can be said for me but with your comment, it sounds like I am better off.

[CheeseDaddy]

I seem to remember that when I started at St Andrews there was rumoured to be such a module for honours physics and comp sci students. Something along the lines of PH4002, 'How to Socialise for Scientists' .

[Guesty]

okay, I take back this post because I fear that it's mostly a cultural clash that is preventing me from meeting a cool, intelligent, but not arrogant, and cute man. Oh well. I suppose I will have to sit tight then. Thanks a lot for all the comments though they mostly just convinced me of what I just wrote (except for the one dude who realizes what crap it is to judge people by their clothing). Have a great year!