How to Complain....

[White Knight]

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter
of the year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer
complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)


Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed
up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not
previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that
you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify
these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some
entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H
and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: My initial
installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an
entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to
arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to
your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman
telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW? I alleviated the boredom
by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you
are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation
then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to
bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two
weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls
over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and
begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly
35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled
bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will
call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me
back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine
informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to
someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot
woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care; it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore,
if I continue.
I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy urine-pot of
god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my
considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of
ba***rds you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum
incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of
success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you
cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver
- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief
quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
tray, as an _expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of ****.
John

[Humphrey]

Brilliant, started off slow but built up to a dramatic climax.

[hr]

http://www.livejournal.com/users/humphrey_clarke/

[bramble]

Oh man. I just laughed so hard i managed to choke on soup -_-
They definately have a 'way' with words

[hr]

Sometimes you just need to forget it all and....DANCE

[Marco Biagi]

It's the cat shit that makes it. It shows effort as well as creativity.

[Manic23]

I wonder if he ever got sorted

[Campbell]

brilliant

slightly amazed NTL entered it in a competition though

[White Knight]

Through my hangover tbat definetly did make my morning. Although reading was hurting

[DeepBlue]

NTL are absolutely useless.

They took over from cabletel in the Greater Belfast area, which was actually quite a good company and provided free cabletel - cabletel evening calls.

Under NTL its all gone pear shaped. Their internet is crap. The digibox is mostly broken - and their technical answer for fixing the software is "switch it off and on".

I had a friend whos mum was on NTL. The bill came into MAVEL instead of Mabel. She asked for this to the changed. The next bill said MAV=BEL. Look at your keyboard. Trained monkeys could do better.

[the Empress]

Having worked at BT for 3 months as a lowly post opener I can say that his crap soaked letter would have been opened by an entirely innocent individual, who until that moment would not believed that their day could get any crappier.

[hr]

Don't kill me for my sneakers, find some shoes of your own

[Don]

Quoting dunqn from 18:14, 15th Dec 2005

Everyone at Pipex, on the other hand, deserve to be subjected to all the horrors Satan can devise.

With my dealings with Pipex, I discovered that if you don't get the answer you like the first time, keep on phoning, by the time you get to your 5th different person at the otehr end fo the phone, and your 5th different answer to the same question, they seem to give you what you want.

[hr]

Daz, makes your whites #gggggg

[Yemminie]

Quoting the Empress from 18:54, 15th Dec 2005
Having worked at BT for 3 months as a lowly post opener I can say that his crap soaked letter would have been opened by an entirely innocent individual, who until that moment would not believed that their day could get any crappier.

[hr]

Don't kill me for my sneakers, find some shoes of your own

I worked at Honda Finance this past summer, and one of the things I did was to open all the post that came in for my department. Sometimes we would get scathing angry complaint letters, and I LOVED it. Oh man, they cracked me up.

[KayBee]

Quoting the Empress from 18:54, 15th Dec 2005
Having worked at BT for 3 months as a lowly post opener I can say that his crap soaked letter would have been opened by an entirely innocent individual, who until that moment would not believed that their day could get any crappier.

[hr]

Don't kill me for my sneakers, find some shoes of your own

They'd probably be really rather confused as to why BT was getting NTL's mail..........

[the Empress]

Not really, you have seperate piles for all the post which has been put in the wrong envelope. Any way, all the letters would probably go to the recuepting office (no matter what it says on the envelope) and then it's sorted out in the internal mail.

And opening post is really sad. You get letters from little old ladies asking for their phones to be disconnected because their sister has just died and no one else cares. And 100s of bankruptcy notifications. And death notifications. And of course angry letters written in red crayon. And post that looks like someone's tried to eat it and then dropped it and then dubious substance . .

You got happy one's too though (not many) like people who've changed their name to 'Swimmingwithdoplhins). And the pay's good.

[hr]

Don't kill me for my sneakers, find some shoes of your own

[queen of scots]

Quoting dunqn from 18:14, 15th Dec 2005
Everyone at Pipex, on the other hand, deserve to be subjected to all the horrors Satan can devise.

Grrr, don't mention Pipex...they have been pissing me off since the summer when they told me my line was incapable of being upgraded. After sending them the statistics from my router which proved it was actually a pretty good line, they finally got their arse into gear a few months later, and the line was upgraded. However, they then decided that rather than letting me have the 1mb service I wanted, they would downgrade me to 250k!!! After a phonecall where it took them ages to work out what had happened, they took a couple of days to upgrade me, only now I've been upgraded to 2mb rather than 1, which I can't afford. I am yet to decide whether it's worth paying the extra just so I don't have to speak to another pipex idiot.

[hr]

Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up.

http://standrews.facebook.com/profile.php?id=37100070

[Thackary]

Quoting Don from 18:57, 15th Dec 2005
With my dealings with Pipex, I discovered that if you don't get the answer you like the first time, keep on phoning, by the time you get to your 5th different person at the otehr end fo the phone, and your 5th different answer to the same question, they seem to give you what you want.

I had exactly the same experience with Pipex. And it was the 5th person I'd dealt with too. Maybe they award persistence?

Maybe they should just get it right first time...

[Grandpa]

You should try having a three phone... Oh My God...They have their call centres outsourced to India (obv. much cheaper than having them here), and when you phone them top say that your phone isn't sending texts to anyone (after explaining that you have credit and signal) and ask if there is a problem with the network at the moment they seem to think that you need to top up.

So, you reply that no, you have credit and signal and blah blah blah....and they say in that lovely Indian accent "So, you need to top up, yes?"

So, you reply that no, you have credit and signal and blah blah blah....

This happens three times before you loose the rag and go find a payphone.

Why oh why do we need to look for further profits by outsourcing to people who clearly have no grasp whatsoever of the idea of a pay as you go phone already in credit?????

[hr]

[s]Cogitationis poenam nemo meretur, facias ipse quod faciamus suades - pax vobiscum.[/s]

[flarewearer]

I worked in a mailroom summer, it was great fun reading the incoming mail in the morning and then the ourgoing ones in the afternoon before we put them through the inserting machine demanding that people pay their bills or the heavies are going to come round and reposess it.

Did anyone watch Top Gear last week? It was rather humorous watching Clarkson try and explain to the poor Indian call-centre slave that the £840 000 Veryon was not infact made by Rover.

[hr]

image:www.magnificentoctopus.com/x/elgar.png

[Prophet Tenebrae]

Poor as in dirt poor, uneviable poor or both?

[hr]

IMAGE:www.btinternet.com/~brother.war/white10-2.gif

[Duggeh]

the best insult of all time and the best complaint letter of all time


http://unix.rulez.org/%7Ecalver/funny/you_idiot.txt

[hr]

IMAGE:www.macintyre42.plus.com/images/tb2-100.jpg
Duggeh: Master Of Ceremonies
[s]http://www.thismanwillkillyou.com[/s]