the worst joke thread

[legohead]

what's the worst joke you can think of?

here's my effort:

a man walks into a bar.

'ouch' he said.

a wino had just punched him in the face.

[hr]

This is for all those headless acrobats
faces crushed in the circus dust
all in the name of gravity
and the price of admission

[munchingfoo]

why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

[hr]

[s]
My entire life in boolean logic

¬emptyGlass(pint) => drinking(Andy)
emptyGlass(pint) AND ¬stomache(full) => buy(pint)
emptyGlass(pint) AND stomache(full) => buy(vodka)
emptyGlass(vodka) => buy(vodka)
¬emptyGlass(vodka) => drinking(Andy) [/s]

IMAGE:t3300.homepage.dk/Awesome.gif

[Duggeh]

whats yellow and cant swim?



a bulldozer

[hr]

IMAGE:www.macintyre42.plus.com/images/tubular100.jpg
[hr][s]Duggeh: Master Of Ceremonies[/s]
[s]Website http://www.macintyre42.plus.com [For all your DJ Smuggy needs] [/s]

[bramble]

Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead

[hr]

I want the sun to shine on me, i want the truth to set me free. If i jumped into the ocean to believe, if i climbed a mountain would i have to reach?

[Eddie Baby]

how do you get a clown off a swing?

smack him in the face with an axe

[jennyo]

How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A fish.

[hr]

Do those under a risk of death by metor run some thus-far indefinite risk of longrun meteorisation?
- David Bean

[Cain]

Han Solo walks into a bar

It was Admiral Ackbar!

[hr]

I hold an element of surprise

[Duggeh]

took me a minute to work out that one


whats brown and sticky?



a stick

[hr]

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[hr][s]Duggeh: Master Of Ceremonies[/s]
[s]Website http://www.macintyre42.plus.com [For all your DJ Smuggy needs] [/s]

[KayBee]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was stapled to the elephant.

[Ashley]

Quoting munchingfoo from 17:08, 15th May 2005
why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

[hr]

[s]
My entire life in boolean logic

¬emptyGlass(pint) => drinking(Andy)
emptyGlass(pint) AND ¬stomache(full) => buy(pint)
emptyGlass(pint) AND stomache(full) => buy(vodka)
emptyGlass(vodka) => buy(vodka)
¬emptyGlass(vodka) => drinking(Andy) [/s]

IMAGE:t3300.homepage.dk/Awesome.gif

munchingfoo, your signature is fantastically good! Unsurprisingly rather better than the 'jokes' here...

[hr]

Nobody ever mentions the weather can make or break your day

[Paranoid]

Received this one in an email (from a Dundee student no less)...took me about 10 mins to work out what the hell he was on about...

Directions
1.Start at Aberdeen Airport.
2.Catch flight from Aberdeen to London Heathrow Airport.
3.Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
4.Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
5.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" follow for 0.2 miles.
6.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for 0.3 miles
7.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport Exit" -
follow for 2.9 miles
8.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2 miles
9.Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
10."US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
11.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles
12."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
13.Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
14.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles
15.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles
16.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7
miles
17.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles

18.Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"


SO STOP ASKING THE F*CKING QUESTION!!

[hr]

..I've got this pain down all the diodes on my left side...

[Bitterandtwisted]

Why did the girl fall off the swing?




She had no arms.

[hr]

... and so, with nothing left to live for, he obeys the chanted command from the distant crowd below.

[Bitterandtwisted]

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?






Being raped.

[hr]

... and so, with nothing left to live for, he obeys the chanted command from the distant crowd below.

[Zombie Sheep]

Haha. Excellent (This will be a contribution I will regularly make when I laugh because of this thread).

[hr]

This post may be intended in jest and should be read as such. Any queries relating to the seriousness of it should be addressed to the author. The author requests that readers DO NOT follow the advice or requests in this post. This statement is retrospective with regards to all previous sinner posts.

[Rilla]

what happened to the magic tractor?

it turned into a field

[hr]

"Certainty is not the same thing as Truth"

[Bitterandtwisted]

Quoting Rilla from 21:29, 15th May 2005
what happened to the magic tractor?

it turned into a field

[hr]

"Certainty is not the same thing as Truth"

That ones from the gents in the Cellar!


[hr]

... and so, with nothing left to live for, he obeys the chanted command from the distant crowd below.

[Zombie Sheep]

I'd be surprised Rilla read it there, given I was under the impression she was female.

[hr]

This post may be intended in jest and should be read as such. Any queries relating to the seriousness of it should be addressed to the author. The author requests that readers DO NOT follow the advice or requests in this post. This statement is retrospective with regards to all previous sinner posts.

[Bitterandtwisted]

What's brown and funny?




Clown poo.

[hr]

... and so, with nothing left to live for, he obeys the chanted command from the distant crowd below.

[Bitterandtwisted]

What's 12 inches long and makes women scream?








Cot death.

I'll stop for now....

[hr]

... and so, with nothing left to live for, he obeys the chanted command from the distant crowd below.

[Duggeh]

seeing as sick jokes are worming in


how do you make a dead baby float?


take your foot off its head

[hr]

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[hr][s]Duggeh: Master Of Ceremonies[/s]
[s]Website http://www.macintyre42.plus.com [For all your DJ Smuggy needs] [/s]