Lists

[nova]

The People vs. Jim by Garrison Keillor

Q: Jim, I'd like you to look at this magazine article entitled "The twenty best hash browns in town" and tell me if you wrote it.
A: Yes, I did.
Q: How about this? "Fifteen Great Ideas for Putting New Life in Those Dingy Stair Treads." Was that the second "list" article you wrote for a magazine?
A: No, that was my tenth. That was after "Eleven Restaurants You'll Remember the Rest of Your Life," "Ten All-Time Greatest Half & Halfs," "My Ten All-Time Favourite Racquetball Partners," "Ten Ways to Lose Four Pounds in Two Days," "Ten Celebrities Show Off Their Basements," "Eight Methods of Beating a Midlife Slump," "Seven Terrific Marriages," "Six Meaner Dogs Than You Ever Saw Before," and "Five Kids Who Make Your Kids Look Sick."
Q: What happened, Jim? Why couldn't you quit then? You knew it was wrong.
A: I know, but look at it my way. First of all, I think that-
Q: "Thirty People Who'd Like to Be Your Friend," "Ten Famous People's Breakfasts," "Eighteen Best Red Things," "Six Best Tops of Things," "Twelve Biggest Unnoticed Things," "Twenty-one Places Where Famous People Were Seen Doing One of Two Things"- the list goes on, Jim.
A; I had a house, I was married, we had two children, pets, a summer place, a boat, a membership in a health club, and a good investment programme. But more that that, I found it satisfying. I was a child of the forties, and through the fifties, sixties, seventies, and into the eighties my life seemed confused, purposeless, ill-defined. Lists helped to center me a little, calm me down. I took out a clean sheet of paper, numbered it from one to fifteen or twenty- I got a feeling of accomplishment.
Q: You went crazy, Jim. You wrote for sixty-eight different life-style magazines, including Des Moines, The Boisean, The Orlandan, The Albequerquer, The Wichitan, Los Angel, The Quad Citian, The Bethesdan, The Duluthist, The Renoite, Oakland, The Queenser, Bismarck, The Baton Rougist, The Omahite, Th Pittsburghast, and you wrote lists of best artists, best music videos, best hamburgers, quiet restaurants, noisy restaurants, bourbons, aluminum foils, dining room sets, wallets, American novels, cheese snacks, hotel lobbies, movies, women named Diane, burritos, "Ten Most Exciting Elevators," "Ten Cures for Winter Arghhhs," "Ten People Who Have Something You'll Never Have," "Ten Things That Look Very Unusual But Really Aren't," "Ten Things You Don't Need to Worry About," "Ten Places Nearby That You Ought to Drop Everything and Go Look At Immediately, "The Thirty-nine Most Successful, Restless, Desperately Unhappy People in West Virginia," "Fifty Top U.S. Businesses Run by Methodists"- surely, Jim there must have come a point when you thought, That is enough. I can't do this anymore.
A: I had filled up sixty-one floppy discs by then. I wanted to reach a hundred.
Q: So you filled your hundredth disc, and you collected everything in a book, The Fatal List, and it reached No.8 on the Times list, and then-?"
A: I was ready to retire, but the editor of Milwaukee told me to cough up ten more, otherwise he would include me in "Fifty People Who Were Once Hot and Aren't Anymore for One Reason or Another." So I did them.
Q: Do you have any idea what damage you have done, Jim? You've made people more stupid. Some of your readers now find it hard to read paragraphs that aren't numbered.
A: How many? A lot?
Q: Jim, we're going to have to put you in a little room by yourself for a while, I think.
A: Will I ever write again?
Q: No.