Why don't the British date?

[littlelegs]

My girl friends and I have been talking recently about all the soppy romance movies and relationship-related soaps that we've grown up with over the years, and we've noticed that the British just don't seem to date. If you see a couple out for dinner, or at a movie, they are almost certainly an 'official' couple. What happened to dating? Why don't we do it?

[Power Metal Dom]

From my upbringing I knew 'dating' as the somewhat unhelpful phrase 'going out' which was interchangable with being in a relationship too. As far as I know people still 'go out' but I'm not sure if it's as planned as a 'date'. If you suggest going to have a drink with someone you're in to you wouldn't think of it as a 'date' in the way we see it on the screen.

Didn't the union do some speed dating at some point? Maybe that'd encourage more dating couples.

[hr]

Like flames on fuel...upon metal I drool

[littlelegs]

Quoting Power_Metal_Dom from 21:25, 11th May 2008
From my upbringing I knew 'dating' as the somewhat unhelpful phrase 'going out' which was interchangable with being in a relationship too. As far as I know people still 'go out' but I'm not sure if it's as planned as a 'date'. If you suggest going to have a drink with someone you're in to you wouldn't think of it as a 'date' in the way we see it on the screen.

Didn't the union do some speed dating at some point? Maybe that'd encourage more dating couples.

[hr]

Like flames on fuel...upon metal I drool

I don't know about anyone else, but i would differentiate between 'dating' and 'going out': 'going out' being associated with the 'official' relationship status, unlike 'dating', which I suppose could be regarded as the getting to know each other and whether you'd be compatible bit, beforehand.

[Jono]

Never heard of actual dating before a relationship. Frankly, it's a little grating. The media has fed a line about dating as the “Adult” way to go about relationships (As opposed to the teenage version: The less said about the better), since I can remember. Then you come up to adulthood and find that, actually, that’s not the way we do things in Britain.

Seems that we just endure the teenage version + alcohol; which works out to a Stiff….. upper lip!

[schmod]

To be fair, pre-relationship "Dating" typically comes off as being a little creepy.

Kind of like the "I Saw You" board, but only slightly less so.

I suppose the concept is nice, but it rarely works in practice. Even Americans don't really do it much, apart from in films.

[Power Metal Dom]

There is a difference between dating and going out but where I was brought up we used to same phrase for the two different things, like I said it was unhelpful!

Also, alcohol doesn't lead to a stiff anything!

[hr]

Like flames on fuel...upon metal I drool

[the Empress]

Read Kate Fox 'Watching the English' - has a whole section on the English attitude to 'dating'.

I'm confused tho, for example, when are 'do you want to get a coffee . . ' type things a date? I just assume they're not unless some definitive form of liking/intention is expressed and/or if it is followed or preceeded by unmistakable physical contact (I generally don't touch people in a casual way at all though, except maybe a shouldor nudge if we're friends, so touchy-feely people are doubly confusing to me). I've been talking to others about this, and there seems to be general uncertainty. Somtimes I wonder are they pre-dates, in which you are being tested for actual date-worthiness . . .

[littlelegs]

Do you think that men and women have a different attitude to 'dating'? Does asking someone to meet for coffee carry the same fear of rejection as asking them to be your boyfriend/girlfriend? I suppose what I'm asking is....is there any other way than a sleazy drunken hook up to break the ice?

[Duggeh]

Quoting littlelegs from 01:45, 12th May 2008I suppose what I'm asking is....is there any other way than a sleazy drunken hook up to break the ice?

Months or years of secret fear filled gnawing at your insides because you haven't the courage to step up and take a chance and then you finally do and foul it up and wish that you were drunk and had hooked up.

[hr]

IMAGE:www.thismanwillkillyou.com/avatars/tb3-100.jpg
Duggeh: Master Of Ceremonies

[novium]

I don't think it's necessarily a british thing. A similar situation seems to exist where I've lived in California...Maybe it's different for older people, but especially in the universities, dating doesn't seem to happen.

Quoting littlelegs from 21:08, 11th May 2008
My girl friends and I have been talking recently about all the soppy romance movies and relationship-related soaps that we've grown up with over the years, and we've noticed that the British just don't seem to date. If you see a couple out for dinner, or at a movie, they are almost certainly an 'official' couple. What happened to dating? Why don't we do it?

[hr]

Neither the storms of crisis, nor the breezes of ambition could ever divert him, either by hope or by fear, from the course that he had chosen

[Hennessy]

Here's a story I read a while ago, which I found amusing:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main ... do1805.xml

the Great Transatlantic Dating Row. It began with an unprovoked assault from Leah McLaren, a blonde Canadian journalist, who accused British men of "glaring sexual insecurity" and said that they lived in "abject fear" of being alone with a woman.

[hr]

"What happened to Spoon?"
"There is no Spoon"
Dog Soldiers

[Spiryt]

I wholeheartedly agree with the points raised in that article. Meeting someone at a party, getting their number and spontaneously inviting them to dinner a few days later? Not a chance in hell, far less following some sort of strict code while doing so.

In fact, relying on some sort of formal guideline of what (not) to do during not just a date but the entire dating process sounds like neither party has the spine to decide what they want out of it.

Now perhaps this steps on the toes of people who are shallow enough to desire the experience of dating more than the company of the other person, but I think the above approach turns what should be an enjoyable experience for both parties into some sort of foul aberration, where the underlying attraction has been smothered by terms and conditions.

To hell with formal dating!

[hr]

I meant every word I said, But only said half the words I meant
There's a load more where they came from, I suppose will get left unsent

[rob 'f*ck off' wine boy]

Indeed, but I can't help thinking that informal 'dating' does take place in the UK, we just don't talk about it all that much. It certainly isn't referred to as dating, and I think is far more casual (at first).

I also can't help thinking that a lot of posters here haven't taken into consideration the fact that at university 'dating' is pretty unnecessary, for reasons of alcohol. Outside university, getting pissed and getting lucky isn't the most efficient method if pursuing the affections of another, I imagine.

[theshadowhost]

I'm a british guy. I have always gone out on "dates" with someone before i was officially "going -out" with them.

However something i find strange is watching sex in the city - these people will have a bunch of dates with different people seemingly all in the same period of time. - something i wouldnt do because it seems wrong - you shouldnt go on a date with someone unless you expect something might happen, and if you do expect something might happen you shouldnt date more than one person at once - or you're just dating for the sake of it.

obviously sex and the city isn't a true reflection of american culture but still, is my attitude in line with americans? - do other british people feel the same?

[hr]

[Ragamuffin_artist]

I've been out on a couple proper pre-relationship dates. They're horrible...it's like a job interview that lasts all night. It's an awkward moment that goes on for hours. Like Communism, proper dating is a marvelous theory that doesn't really work out in practice. For a little while in my freshman year, I was foolish enough to think that traditional romance (dating, the occasional flower, and even [may all the gods be benevolent enough to one day forgive me] poetry) was great, but I quickly realized that you just come off (indeed perhaps quite justifiably) as downright creepy no matter what your intentions are. I don't think romance is dead, but you definitely must be in a relationship for it to not simply be a terribly awkward experience for all parties involved.

[bdw]

Quoting rob 'f*ck off' wine boy from 15:13, 12th May 2008
Outside university, getting pissed and getting lucky isn't the most efficient method if pursuing the affections of another, I imagine.

There speaks a man who has never sampled the delights of Infernos in Clapham...

[novium]

I think the article is based a bit too much on how television portrays dating. I certainly wouldn't say there's a lot of complicated rules and patterns to those things.

I also haven't seen much of it in the bit of America I live in, except for those over 30.

Quoting Spiryt from 15:06, 12th May 2008
I wholeheartedly agree with the points raised in that article. Meeting someone at a party, getting their number and spontaneously inviting them to dinner a few days later? Not a chance in hell, far less following some sort of strict code while doing so.

In fact, relying on some sort of formal guideline of what (not) to do during not just a date but the entire dating process sounds like neither party has the spine to decide what they want out of it.

Now perhaps this steps on the toes of people who are shallow enough to desire the experience of dating more than the company of the other person, but I think the above approach turns what should be an enjoyable experience for both parties into some sort of foul aberration, where the underlying attraction has been smothered by terms and conditions.

To hell with formal dating!

[hr]

I meant every word I said, But only said half the words I meant
There's a load more where they came from, I suppose will get left unsent

[hr]

Neither the storms of crisis, nor the breezes of ambition could ever divert him, either by hope or by fear, from the course that he had chosen

[littlelegs]

so is the consensus here then, that dating is an awkward experience that should be left for the middle-aged and desperate, and that drunken hook-ups are the way to go? Does that not just sound totally pathetic?

[Ragamuffin_artist]

Absolutely it's pathetic. But getting absolutely shitfaced is still a much better alternative, from my own experience, than experiencing the misery of a traditional date.

On the side, why in the world does the Telegraph think it's important that Leah McLaren happens to be blond?

[novium]

Well, I wouldn't agree with that anyway.
I refuse to do the drunken hook-up thing. Of course, this means I have spent a lot of time being single, but on the otherhand, it truly would be pathetic to do something that goes against who I am just on the off-chance i might end up in a relationship.

Quoting littlelegs from 19:42, 12th May 2008
so is the consensus here then, that dating is an awkward experience that should be left for the middle-aged and desperate, and that drunken hook-ups are the way to go? Does that not just sound totally pathetic?

[hr]

Neither the storms of crisis, nor the breezes of ambition could ever divert him, either by hope or by fear, from the course that he had chosen