by bdw on Thu Sep 17, 2009 3:10 pm
Seeing as (a) there will hopefully be a new influx of users in the next week or so and (b) I am bored, I thought it might be useful to compile some introductory guidelines as to the use of this fine website. Feel free to add any that I have missed out.
Procedural guide to the Sinner
1. Originality of discussion
Not less than once per year a thread shall be started on each of the following topics: the May Ball; the membership policies of the KK; STAR radio; the SNP; library etiquette at exam time. Please do try to build up a proper strop before posting on these threads in order to ensure that it hits the ton as quickly as possible. It is respectfully advised that previous tilts at these particular windmills be studied in advance to ensure that the chances of any original argument is restricted to the extent reasonably practicable.
2. Dialogue with elected student officers
The Sinner shall strive to be a democratic forum, permitting the general student populace to praise or criticise their elected representatives. Without so much of the praising part. Precedent requires that criticism be delivered anonymously, stumbling oafishly along the borders of defamation and correct grammatical usage (vide infra). Please note that it is considered rather bad form to actually have a valid point that you are happy to put your name to. Regardless of the merits or otherwise of the criticism, tradition dictates that the required response from the elected official shall be to entirely ignore the content of the complaint and instead to invite the plaintiff to avail him or herself of the opportunity to carry out the task personally. It is recommended that the response be phrased as crudely as possible to maximise the chances of other people piling in on all sides and tonning that mutha up.
3. Societal harmony
It is believed that it is in everyone’s interests that an inclusive message be promoted on the board. To this end, all users shall be obliged to get knee-deep into a yah witchhunt as soon as any of the following is mentioned: polo; holidays outside the UK; Ma Bells; pashminas; private dining clubs; the Conservative Party; Surrey and the other Hem Kenties; selective in-breeding. One user shall be designated as the rehabilitator of the yah’s reputation (not before page 4, mind). His or her rallying cry shall be “reverse snobbery” and shall thereby stoke the fires to ensure that the argument will see-saw back and forth merrily for another week or so.
4. Effective communication skills
New users should endeavour to adopt the most bleeding edge contemporary written style possible. It is up to the users themselves to judge where they wish to place themselves along such spectrum of mangled English. The more conservative may opt to adopt Americanisms, despite hailing from Paisley, while those of a bolder hue may 4go any grmmtcl ba6 wotsoeva, promulg8ing there st8ments 10daciously thru an asin9 attchmnt 2 txt spk, udigg.
This will not only have the effect of immediately announcing such user's arrival on the scene to the existing user base but also to provide such user base with the opportunity to complain self-righteously about the decline of standards among young people today. That the complainants may be 19 themselves shall be of no consequence. While offering the basis for protracted and surprisingly heated debate about the value of adherence to certain notional standards of written English, the topic may be felt by discerning users to be ultimately rather too dry and elevated for meaningful engagement, innit.
5. Prohibited language
While most instances of foul and abusive language tend to be tolerated but not embraced by the online community, the use of the following phrases shall be met by the most robust of opposition: “Prince William’s University”; “Saint Andrews” (or about a dozen other spellings); “Film Studies”; “Donald Findlay”; “New Hall Girl Wanted for Double Bed”; “Paul”.
6. Discussion of current affairs
All users of the board shall be committed to analysing and memorialising their comments on key current events, in order that history shall be better able to reflect upon their sagacious views. To this end, users shall eschew the discussion of such frivolous topics as general elections, the conflict between nations, the passing of great statesmen and financial crises, preferring instead to describe the poster above for 25 interminable pages.
7. Fostering a supportive culture for differing opinions
It’s not all highbrow debate however. Now and again, users are encouraged to kick back and contribute to a melting pot of personal preferences, as represented by topics such as: “The worst town in the UK”; “Best album ever”; or “What’s your favourite jacket potato filling”. Naturally, each opinion is accorded the respect it deserves. Occasionally this even scales the heights of grudging acceptance. The sensible user will suggest something that no more than a half dozen people on the planet would recognise and subsequently dismiss all other alternatives as being too mainstream for his or her rarified tastes. Levels of antagonism over certain responses will be blown up out of all proportion to the topic at hand so only the courageous user should even contemplate the use of the double bluff ("Best song ever? Tamsin Archer - Sleeping Satellites. Fact"). It is believed that the discussion “What’s the best restaurant in St Andrews” even carried a bodycount.
8. Inter-disciplinary knowledge sharing
From time to time, a user should seek the confirmation of the Sinner community that such user’s chosen course of study (IR, medicine, history, take your bloody pick) is in fact the most difficult and demanding subject offered by the university. This is in no way a painfully self-indulgent and agonisingly dull waste of pixels. Users should seek to adopt a blinkered view on the topic and to wilfully ignore any possible common ground (other than when some poor unfortunate brings up the myriad complexities of an Art History degree, whereupon all users shall be required to fall into line behind a united front of scorn). Around the point that the argument is raging through its fifth page, one user shall be required to point out the futility of the whole exercise. Tradition dictates that this plea for common sense shall be ignored, with the same user staunchly defending the merits of his or her Latin degree two pages on.
9. Indulgence of minority interest groups
The Sinner prides itself on the voice that it gives to small societies, giving any that can justify it their own discussion board. This affords the likes of Regs’ residents the opportunity to break their monastic silence and actually post something in 2009. Of course the users well understand that the powers that be can only do so much for discussion boards that struggle to garner any traffic, which goes to explain why there was such unanimous support for the decision to close down the graveyard-like Union Board.
10. Relevance to all stages of an academic career
The following is a cut out and keep guide to the kind of topics that each year group should regard as their bread and butter:
First years should stick to the following style guides:
“Where is the [Purdie][Old Union Diner][Quad][beach][bloody nightclub]?”
“Why does St Andrews have no [McDonalds][station][Olympic swimming pool][Harvey Nicks][sun]?”
“How do I select my [modules][academic parents][societies][hall][arse from my elbow]?”
Second years:
“First years don’t have a clue. While I’m here though, where is the [Purdie][Old Union Diner][Quad][beach][bloody nightclub]?”
“How do I get into [honours][another university][my flatmate]?”
Third years shall be the battery hens of the Sinner. Their posts shall be solely preoccupied with acquiring academic children and then nesting for their brood. Once the chicks have flown the nest, they shall hit a menopausal state in which, frankly, anything goes.
Fourth years:
“I have had [the time of my life][enough][your mum]”
“One more year as an undergrad and then I shall be [off][back for more][completely unemployable][to all extents and purposes, an alcoholic]”
“Graduation ball tickets needed!!!!” [to be posted at least nine months in advance]
Graduates (who shall by law constitute not less than 85% of regular Sinner users at any time):
“The standard [of education][of pubs][of bop][of music][units of measurement] were better in my day”
“Things have been going downhill since the [introduction of tuition fees][Stables stopped its roller-disco night][abolition of single sex halls][bloody Jacobites][day I left]”
“Film Studies?!?!?!”
Any other Sinner quirks I have missed?