Help for a broken heart

[Sarah]

I'm going through the same thing I wasn't dumped, it was a mutual thing, but it's still bloody painful. Worse, I'm home for the summer and can't find any friends to go out with as they've moved on and away. I'd love to start work full time (I graduate in Sept) but I have a dissertation to sit down and write, which isn't the best distraction I can think of!

Try spending if you can - I extended my overdraft and did some shopping, which helped. I bought a mountain bike, which has been fun. Also bought stiletto heeled boots, which boosted my confidence, tho they hurt if I wear them for longer than a minute!

Also, my relationship lasted the whole of my four years at St Andrews, so coming home (although there's no one here) helped for a bit as it took me away from all the reminders. I've played 'I Will Survive' a few times - it has to be done.

Having suggested all that I'm still pretty down at times. I think you just have to try and be strong and ride through it. There's plenty more (better) fish in the sea.

Hope that helps!
Sarah

[Wong]

I know how you feel, and the advice offered above is pretty good - try and distract yourself with other things. It's a nightmare at first, but it does get easier with time. Whatever you do, don't try to get in to another relationship as soon as possible - that causes more problems.

[stan]

"Love is a breach in the walls, a broken gate" wrote the poet Rupert Brooke. "Love sells the proud heart's citadel to fate."

i agree with wong on the avoiding quick fix rebound relationship advice. in these situations words are easy and remedial action difficult. but i would say; try and rebuild the broken gate and fill the breach. your heart is no longer at fates hand, being controlled by the uncontrolled randomness that relationships throw up. it is simply empty, void of what your relationship brought to you. over time you will fill this void and life will once again bring fulfillness, most likely in an unexpected manner.

the enigma it seems, is finding the way of doing this quickly and painlessly. but should it be? if the end of a relationship does not hurt, then how much joy did it bring? where is the void that needs filling? is the pain we experience the price we pay for the happiness we had? this is how i look at things when thrust into your position, by doing this it allows me to look at the joy i had which helps me (not neccessarily everyone) to rebuild. because in the end i find the void is the lack of presence and comapanionship that every good relationship brings, but the memories replace this overtime. the result i find, is knowing that you had it good and knowing that if you can find another that brings to you all this again - then you'll have it good once more. this is what i call hope.

"hold your head up high and dont be afraid of the dark"

[PurelySynthetic]

Im going through a similar thing just now. Well have been all summer. It should be much easier for you not having to see him face to face for a while - gives you time to deal with it. I unfortunately have had to put up with seeing the "new girl" rubbed in my face and thats the worst part but i guess when you love someone youre never going to be able to get used to seeing them with someone else. My advice is dont do what i did! Give yourself some time and in september if you're meant to be together you never know you might get back together. If you can then maybe try staying freinds. Im trying this at the moment - lets just say its not exactly easy but well i figure its better to have something than nothing. Love is a pretty shit thing when it goes wrong. But i guess you can think of it in the way of you've experienced something a lot of people dont get to. Life is just a balls up some of the time! But you're not alone. Dont bottle it up - everyone gets miserable and try to remember its his loss not yours! ) Hope youre ok.

[Fugaziboy]

Hey, there, don't worry. The thing to remember is that your not alone, plenty of people go through the same thing. Let me tell you my story... Nearly 2 years ago, I was working at DRH, during the summer, and I met someone called Zoe. I fell hard for this girl and thought I was gonna be with this girl forever. I woulda done anything for this girl, I loved her so much and couldnt imagine life without her. Towards the end of the relationship she sarted acting distant, and saying 'I need space' and all that crap. This seriously freaked me out, but I thought this was the best possible thing to do. Unfortunatly this wasnt enough and she dumped me. I was so distraught that I quit uni for a while because I couldnt deal with it. I saw her again at graduation, and at the ball, and it was hard. Still after nearly two years. I know whats its like to be dumped and rejected, its happened to me enough! So take care yeah, it will pass.

Best of luck,

Reza.

[Cain]

"The worst thing about being unhappy is thinking that you'll never be happy again." - Chuck palahniuk

I was dumped by my best mate earlier in the year, and after trying to fix things, gave up for a while. long story short - i was deeply unhappy and needed help (which usually comes from your best mate, no?), she didn't want to know me unless i could do anything for her, etc.

since i've been back at home, i decided to give it another shot, explained whay i was unhappy, and got an email today saying "your problem, not mine."

still, at least i will never have to see her again, which is a bit better.

[Child of the 80's]

In six months it'll seem like you totally over-reacted. Chin up, you'll be fine.

[EviLTwiN]

me and my gf of 14 months split on april 20th, and it was awful for me even though part of me realised it was probably for the best. After the first few weeks and exams etc I realised that the only substantial pain i was feeling was being alone and being at home for summer, and since my friends have all moved away i could see i'd be in for a quiet summer. Obviously when i thought about her it hurt, but i could deal with it, and i gradually thought about it less and less. Now i can go for coffee with her and so on, and i know i still love her... but i only let myself love her as i would a family member... she's jsut a very close friend. Its hard to take the step and decide that that is all they will ever be from now on, but if you don't do it you'll lose the chance for a friend that is closer than anyone else you know.

[Sarah]

So EvilTwin you would say it IS possible to be good friends after a split? One of the things that's depressed me most was the prospect of losing my best friend. Would you say, from your experience, that it IS possible for a couple to just be friends after, without any emotional hang-ups? I'd like to think so at least, but I can't be sure. Suppose I will have to wait and see!

[Prophet Tenebrae]

It's possible to be good friends again but things can never be the same again - even if you get back together. Usually the reason that breakups - even mutual ones - cause people to drift apart is because they don't realise that it's kind of like starting being friends all over again, only complicated by the fact you already know the person intimately.

[Clytemnestra]

Since coming to uni my heart has been broken repeatedly in an almost sledgehammer fashion by someone i regrettably adore. Just when i manage to haphazardly piece it back together he emerges for a practically prize winning repeat performance. In the most melodramatic voice possible it apparently gives him immense joy to watch me bleed. As Eva Cassidy so profoundly said: "Time [alcohol, dancing, best friends and shopping-preferably for shoes-with the money you saved to visit him] is a healer." Being friends with someone you're still in love with may be good in the short term if you feel you can't yet cut the ties completely but be careful as it has the potential to crucify you. You have to give yourself time to grieve. The pain won't go away over night or even in a few weeks but if he can hurt you this much is he really worth the tears? Good Luck little one x

[Cheer up!]

I was best friends with my ex for a year before we started going out. We went out for 14 months and eventually she cheated on me at Warwick uni with some dude. Anyway what u need to know is we have managed to sort things out and are best friends again, nothing more! So there is lots of hope for u. From Ali, starting in McIntosh E floor next year. GOOD LUCK

[EviLTwiN]

[s]Sarah wrote on 21:42, 7th Jul 2003:
So EvilTwin you would say it IS possible to be good friends after a split? One of the things that's depressed me most was the prospect of losing my best friend. Would you say, from your experience, that it IS possible for a couple to just be friends after, without any emotional hang-ups? I'd like to think so at least, but I can't be sure. Suppose I will have to wait and see!


yeah very possible. it depends on circumstance tho. See we broke up because she didn't feel she loved me in that way anymore... the spark had gone and a bit more. I still loved her, but I had to agree the spark was missing, and there were also differences of opinion on the future that would have caused problems etc....

now she'd be the first prson i'd ask advice from over new relationships etc, if it wasn't for the fact that it would be maybe weird for her... I mean I don't think I could be best friends as in seeing each other all the time... I only see her maybe once a week, but we're very close, and that's the bit you can keep. someone who really knows you.

IMAGE:www.red-llama.com/avatars/eviltwinsaint.gif
[s]http://www.red-llama.com/eviltwin [rar!]......http://www.feedbacking.com
http://www.red-llama.com/eviltwin/photogallery.htm
[/s]

[Bonnie]

I was going to go on about my own experience with an ex turning into my dearest friend (and coolest flatmate/ fashion advisor/ relationship doctor/ mind controller) but that would be boring for everyone except me. Instead let me advise you that an ex can only turn into a friend if you
stop seeing him for who you'd like him to be or who he COULD be but rather as who he is.
Yes, you may have to list all those annoying things like
#1 His head is too big.
#2 He's too demanding.
#3 He's too smart for his own good.
#4 He's British.
-- anything to make yourself feel better and to realise that he really isn't the perfect person for you that you once thought he was. Then, after you've cleared your vision and have forgiven me for using such a cliche, get out and have fun with other friends for a wee bit. Eventually it'll get better. It may take a few months but you may find yourself happily setting him up with your other friends someday with full recommendations
[hr]I love cheese.

[Cain]

[s]Unregisted User Cheer up! wrote on 21:59, 7th Jul 2003:
I was best friends with my ex for a year before we started going out. We went out for 14 months and eventually she cheated on me at Warwick uni with some dude. Anyway what u need to know is we have managed to sort things out and are best friends again, nothing more! So there is lots of hope for u. From Ali, starting in McIntosh E floor next year. GOOD LUCK


E floor - the house of pain!

if you want to know anything more about hall, give me an email through my profile, as i've just done two years there and i'm going back for more.

getting back to the point, i fell out with my best mate at the start of term, and it kind of simmered and nothing happened about it, although we were both unhappy with each other. she was too busy to talk to me, so she didn't do anything, and i couldn't do anything.

the other day i sent her a (badly written) email that expressed why i had been unhappy and illustrated it - big mistake. she replied to every one of my points and said effectively "it's all your fault."

i decided to leave it there; we don't need to continue an argument that nobody is going to win, and i'm not going to have to see her again.

Then i find out today that she forwarded it to her mate, who i AM going to see again, so now they know everything that's gone on in a private correspondence. am i being overly sensitive, or is that actually poor form?

[Valen_gr]

huh, more chattanites...

[hr]¸ôóé, ëßãá ÅëëçíéêÜ, ãéá íá ñùôÜôå "what is this?"

[Cain]

[s]Valen_gr wrote on 20:27, 8th Jul 2003:
huh, more chattanites...


it would be a bit crap in hall if there weren't any wouldn't there?

besides - we should be on the look out for academic kids just now.

haven't you ever wanted a mini-Valen_gr?

[hr]
When you're all by yourself, standing on the edge of the world

[Valen_gr]

lol, i totaly did not remember the whole kid thing...already in 3rd year!
Should be fun having kids though...
Also,the will mostly be girls, since the hall has been raped on the sex-balance issue...

[hr]¸ôóé, ëßãá ÅëëçíéêÜ, ãéá íá ñùôÜôå "what is this?"

[stan]

[s]Valen_gr wrote on 20:45, 8th Jul 2003:
been raped on the sex-balance issue...



what an unfortunate choice of words.

[E FLOOR ALI]

Would e-mail you but unfortunately as i can't register on the site yet i can't access it. Am in room E**.